All of Our Somedays: The Life of Severus Snape
by smolconfusedpeach
Summary: Someday Severus' father will stop drinking- or at least that's what his mother says. Someday people will see that he isn't just the dirty son of a drunkard. Someday he knows that he'll be powerful, rich, and loved; however, sometimes our somedays never come true. I am a junior in college- my writing style is developed and personal.
1. Chapter 1

Sandwiched between my lumpy mattress and threadbare blankets, I shiver slightly, even though it is summer. I have not eaten since yesterday afternoon because there is no food left in the house. My mum has been too busy working to go shopping for food. I haven't seen her in three days. I think she comes home late at night so that she doesn't have to deal with my dad. Sometimes, if my dad is away, she will sing to me, and tell me that someday it will all be the way it once was. Dad will get his job back at the mill, he'll stop drinking, we'll be able to afford to have food and electricity again, and we will be happy.

My dad was sacked from his last job yesterday. My back is still sore from his belt. At least this time it wasn't his fists.

Sitting up, I brush the hair out of my face and look around my room: the cardboard box I keep my books in, the wardrobe, and my mum's old trunk. In the trunk I keep my collection of strange rocks, a mason jar that I found by the river that I used to keep my pet spider in, my pair of shoes, a harmonica I found at the park, and a hawk feather I found in the woods. I push myself off my mattress, change my shirt, put on the same pair of socks I've been wearing for the last three days, and sneak down the stairs, listening carefully for signs of life as I reach the bottom step. Hearing none, I walk to the bathroom to comb my hair with my fingers so that it covers my yellowing black eye. Stopping by the kitchen, I lower my head to drink some water from the tap and check the cabinets for some food. Finding none, I leave the house, locking the door behind me. When I have walked a little way down the block, I stop- muscles shaking- and sit down on the sidewalk. After a few minutes, I force myself to stand back up and continue on to the park.

When I get to the park, I see Lily. She is flying from the swings like an angel. Her hair fans out behind her like wildfire, burning away my bitterness and despair. She is wearing a blue dress with little white daisies embroidered on the hem. The top half of her hair is tied in a white ribbon. From behind the bushes, I watch her swing, favoring to wait and watch than draw attention to myself and make her stop. When she at last launches herself off the swing and comes to rest on the pavement, I begin to walk over.

"Sev! I didn't see you there! How are you? Tuney's been angry with me again" she continues without waiting for an answer , "You look so tired! Are you alright?"

 _I am starving_ "I'm fine. I'm sorry that your sister is being mean to you. Someday she'll realize that she's lucky to have you as a sister"

"You're sweet, Sev. Hey- wanna come over to my house today? I told my parents you might come! They can't wait to meet you! I've told them all about you and my dad wants to ask you so many questions about the wizarding world and my mum wants to talk to you about Hogwarts and we're making shepherd's pie for supper!"

As we walk, I focus on not stumbling. My hopes and wishes for food engulf me, and I find it difficult to hold conversation. But I'm alright.


	2. Chapter 2

When we get to Lily's house, I feel even more like an outcast than I did walking alongside Lily in my tattered, dirty clothes. My house is shabby at best, but these houses are larger than any on my street. They are well maintained, some even have gardens in their front yards. Lily's house is made of wood. It is pale yellow with white accents and pale blue window shutters. I wonder if someday- when my dad stops drinking, and my mum is home more often- I could have a house like that.

When we get inside, a large pitbull greets us, smiling and wagging her tail, at the door. I am afraid because my father has always told me about how vicious pitbulls are. When I was little, he used to tell me that if I took too long in the bathroom or in the shower, he would feed me to a pitbull. Lily greets the pitbull lovingly, squatting down and rubbing her hands all over the dog's squirming body.

"Hi, Lady! How's my precious little baby girl? Oh, I love you love you love you!" she coos.

"Are you sure it's safe?" I ask nervously.

"Sev, you silly goose! Pitbulls are big love hounds! It's only bad people who train them to fight that give them a bad reputation!" I love it when she calls me silly goose.

Her father comes into the front hall. He is tall. He has brownish-red hair that is balding on top. His green eyes look kindly out from behind his spectacles. He smiles when he sees Lily squatting down with Lady. Then he smiles down at me. I do not meet his eyes.

"You must be Severus! Lily has told us so much about you!" he says, as he reaches down to shake my hand. I shake lightly, and withdraw as soon as possible. He seems nice, but you never know. My father seemed nice at first, too, "I'm watching football in the sitting room. Would you two care to join me?"

"Sure!" exclaims Lily, "But first can I show Sev how Lady does her tricks? And then can we have snack?"

"Of course, Lily. Don't give Lady too many treats, though, she's already getting big from how much Petunia has been feeding her"

When we go into the kitchen to play with Lady, Lily's mother is cooking. She is blonde, and perfectly plump. She immediately says hello, "Severus, I'm so happy to finally meet you! Thank you so much for helping our Lily. You must tell us all about your world when we eat supper!" she hugs me. I smell her wonderful perfume for a second, then she pulls away.

Lady can do sit, paw, down, go-to-sleep, play dead, and dance. Lily makes me give Lady a treat after she plays dead. I am afraid, but Lady takes it oh so gently from my hand. I take a chance and pat her on the head. She smiles up at me, and I feel the fear starting to melt away.

Petunia is strangely quiet throughout supper, and leaves the table quickly after finishing her plate. _Fine_ , I think, _I didn't want to sit with some mean muggle anyway_. Lily's parents notice her leaving, and exchange worried glances. They ask me lots of questions about the wizarding world, and about what my mum has told me about Hogwarts. They ask me about my parents, if I have siblings, and what I like to do in my free time. Mr. Evans tells me he is a teacher at the local school. He left a fancy, rich school to come live here. He thought he could do more good working at a school where the children did not have as many opportunities. He heard of the mill closing a few years ago, and how so many people lost their jobs there.

"My dad used to work in the mill" I say.

"Really?!" he asks, "but I've never seen you before! Where do you go to school?"

"I don't. My mum teaches me when she has time. I read all her old textbooks, and she makes me practice writing and math, and sometimes even I get to help her with potions when my dad isn't around!"

"Your father doesn't like magic?" Lily's mother asks.

 _He doesn't like anything_ "Not much"

After supper, having said my goodbyes, I walk slowly back to the park. I will take a leaf out of mother's book.

I don't get home until it is very dark. The only light comes from the moon and the stars.


	3. Chapter 3

When I get home, my dad's car is not there.

I quietly open the front door and sneak to the stairs, just incase my mum is sleeping. I climb up the stairs, for once, happy and full, and surreptitiously check my parents' room for my mother. She is asleep, so I do not bother her.

I lay myself down on my mattress, and cover my body with my threadbare blankets. I lie awake for several minutes, mulling it all over: my day at Lily's house, how good Lady was, how nice Mr. Evans seemed, and the smell of Mrs. Evans' perfume...

My head snaps up from its position on my pillow to the sound of a car door slamming. I look out my window- it is pitch black. As I huddle up under the blankets, I wonder how long I have been asleep. Is it safe to assume that he will not come for me tonight? Should I hide? No time now I hear him in the house I hear him stomping up the stairs please don't come for me please don't

"BOY!" _that's not my name_

My heart is beating too fast can't stop can't stop

I shake, eyes wide, staring into nothing

"BOY!" he grabs my tiny wrist and shoves me into the hallway. I stumble and fall down the stairs no not me that's not my name

I scramble back up and make a break for the door. I don't even have time to fumble with the lock before he is on me, grabbing my waist and throwing me bodily against the wall. _I am Severus._ My head collides and lights erupt in front of my eyes. _I am your son._ He is punching hitting kicking yelling it is all my fault I am stupid I am ugly I am the reason. I cry out for him to stop, but crying only makes him angrier. There is no end, and I am growing numb, "YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN BABY I HATE YOU EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOU WORTHLESS STUPID GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING KID" He throws the skin-bag that is his son back to the floor, and storms up the stairs. My mother never comes down. My eyes are crying my cuts are crying my wasted body is screaming but crying and screaming don't help. I am on top of a high mountain I can't breathe I am paralyzed I can't feel anything anymore everything is going numb the lights are dimming, "Death would be easy" I think as I pass out.


	4. Chapter 4

When I wake, the light from a morning sun streams through the grimy windows. There is blood on the wall where my head slammed the night before. As I push myself up, my wrist hurts from where he grabbed me. I walk haltingly towards the bathroom door, push it open, and vomit blood and whatever food I had not yet digested from supper the night before. After swishing water around in my mouth and trying hard not to look at myself in the mirror, I walk slowly up the stairs to see if my mum is still home. Finding her to be absent, I sit on the top step of the stairs and ponder my situation.

My head hurts fit to burst, and so does my wrist. My stomach is throbbing where he kicked me, and my jaw hurts from where he punched me. He opened up some of the scabs on my back when he threw me against the wall. I know I ought to go to St. Mungo's, but I was just there a couple weeks ago and if I go too often then they'll know and my dad will be angry and my mum will be scared and I will get beaten again and and and

But then again, they told me if my head gets hit again they needed to see me. Something about permanent brain damage.

I will go to Knockturn Alley and see if my mum can take me to St. Mungo's. Upon finding no more food in the cabinets than I found yesterday, I begin my walk to the park. Many years ago, when my dad started drinking and being mean, mum and I hid a small stash of floo powder inside of a hollow pole on the playground for me to use if I ever needed to get to her quickly. Lately, I have needed to use it more and more often.

Upon arriving at the park, I hear a familiar voice, "Sev! I was hoping you'd come! I've been wanting to ask you… Sev, you look terrible! What happened?" Lily exclaimed.

 _My father is a monster and he almost killed me_ "Nothing. I just need to go to St. Mungo's. I hit my head falling down the stairs"

"Is your mum at work?"

"Yeah"

"Well, come on to my house! My mum and I will take you!"

"No, it's fine. I can go with my mum. Just let me check…" my voice trails away as I reach my hand into the pole and bring up an empty bag, "It's gone. The floo powder is gone and I can't get to my mum and I gotta go to St. Mungo's or I won't be able to take the potion for my head and I can't get there and and and" my heart is beating faster and faster and I am breathing too fast too fast I can't breathe I can't I can't

"Sev, you're scaring me! Stop it! Come with me! Hold my hand so you don't fall down!"

The walk to Lily's house takes longer than yesterday. When we get there, Lily screams for her mother. Lady starts barking. The sound causes my ears to ring and my head to hurt. I cover my ears, but the ringing doesn't go away.

"Stop it!" I shout. It just slipped out. I couldn't control it, but in my pain and panic, I don't even notice how affronted she looks.

"Lily, what's going on? Severus! Oh my goodness, sweetheart, what happened?!" Lily's mother says as she runs into the front hall.

"Sev's hurt! We gotta take him to the doctor!"

"No! They'll cut me open and hurt me! I can't go there I can't!" my breathing and heart beat are intensifying again my head is light I can't breathe my face is beginning to tingle I can't stop I can't stop

When I wake, I am on a cushioned table. I am clothed in a hospital gown. My breathing and heart rate are normal again. A low, soft voice is speaking. Mrs. Evans' voice responds. I cannot tell what they are saying. When I try to move, something pulls at my right arm. Upon looking up, I see a machine with a bag of liquid, and a tube attached to my arm. I knew the doctor would cut me open! I begin to struggle against the tubes and machine, trying to pull it out!

"Sev, stop! You'll hurt yourself!" Lily's voice resonates from the corner of the room. Upon looking over at her, I see that she is curled into a tight ball on a hard little chair. I can't let them hurt her too!

"Lily, you have to get out of here! They're gonna cut you up and put you on a machine, too!"

"Severus Snape, don't be so silly! Doctors are here to help you! That's an IV you're hooked up to, and it's giving you… water? I don't remember what the nurse said, but it's helping you! She said that you were really dehydrated and malnourished! You only weigh 40 pounds!"

"What? My mum always said that muggle doctors cut you up and do experiments on you! She said everybody knows that. She told me to only ever go to St. Mungo's, 'cause the healers there are good!" I explain. Just then, a man in a white coat and Mrs. Evans enter the room. I flinch away from the doctor as he comes over to check the tubes on my arm.

After I am discharged, I go back with Lily and her mother. The ride home is silent. They seem shocked. The doctor gave Mrs. Evans a diet sheet to give to my mother, to help me gain weight. Before I left, he told me that if I didn't gain weight, my bones would be very weak, and I would not grow like I should. He also said that my insides wouldn't work as well as somebody who weighed enough. He said that when I start eating enough, I won't be so tired all the time, and my thinking won't be so cloudy. Along with the diet sheet, he gave Mrs. Evans strict instructions to pass along to my mum: I was not to do any reading, be in any direct light, be around loud noises, or experience any sudden movements. He said my brain was bruised and needed time to heal up, otherwise I might never be able to think quite right again.


	5. Chapter 5

When I wake up in the Evans' guest room the next morning, I remember my mum, and the potion I am supposed to take for my head. I check the time. It is 8:55, and I can vaguely hear movement coming from another room. I tilt my head a little to the left so I can hear better with my right ear. I haven't been able to hear very well from my left ear since I woke up yesterday morning. The doctor at the hospital told me that some of the bones in my ear had been harmed, and that the left side of my brain had been concussed very badly. I do not want to get out of bed and look for the noise out of fear that it will be Mr. Evans and he will be mad at me and he will hit me and yell at me and be angry that I am in his house and and and

For a minute, I sit on the bed trying to breathe deeply and calm myself down. I hear the footsteps coming closer, and huddle down in the blankets. What if he is angry that I am awake? But what if he is angry that I am not awake? My breathing starts to intensify, and I do not know how to calm down.

"Severus! Good morning, lad! How are you feeling? Is there anything you would like me to bring you? I was told that that nice doctor at the hospital yesterday told us to give you lots of food! So what'll it be? I made some bacon! Severus, what's wrong? You look terrified!" he says. It must be Saturday for him to be home from work.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you mad! I just woke up and I can't really hear and I need to take my potion and I need to talk to my mum and I'm sorry!" I huddle closer into the blankets as Mr. Evans comes closer and sits at the armchair beside my bed. I flinch as he reaches out his hand and strokes my hair back out of my face.

"It's okay, Severus. Why would I be mad at you? You've done nothing wrong. I merely wanted to see if you were awake and ready for some food. I was about to go wake Lily and Petunia up as well, but I wanted to have a chat with you first" he says.

"About what? I can leave as soon as you want me to! I'm sorry I stayed over! I didn't mean to intrude!"

"No, not at all, Severus! I just wanted to talk to you about what happened, and tell you that you may stay over whenever you want. I understand that you, uh, fell down one nasty staircase that incidentally left belt marks on your back, a concussion on your head, a hand mark on your wrist, and boot marks on your legs and stomach. I also understand that you weigh only 40 pounds, and are only 4 feet tall. I want you to know that whatever you think you did to make that staircase mad at you, it was not your fault. Sometimes, staircases can be a little violent, and it is never a child's fault when their staircase hurts them. It is also never a child's fault when they are not fed enough. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir" I whisper.

"Come here, son" he says softly, and suddenly he is hugging me like I have never been hugged by a man before. Suddenly, I feel safe. I relax into his arms, and feel hot tears running down my cheeks.

He helps me get out of bed, and leaves me to get dressed on my own. As I go into the bathroom, I hear him walking slowly up the stairs to wake up his family.


	6. Chapter 6

After breakfast, I ask to speak privately to Mr. Evans. He asks Lily and Petunia to do the dishes and clean the kitchen table, and leaves Mrs. Evans to see that the girls were doing as he asked.

"What is it, Severus?" he asks as we sit down in the guest room.

"Well, last time I hit my head, Healer Smithwick said that I have to go to St. Mungo's if I hit my head again and she said that I have to come with my mum because she has to talk to her and I didn't go yesterday and my head hurts now"

"Mrs. Evans told me last night that you wanted to go to this St. Mungo's yesterday, but you didn't know where it was or how to contact your mother. Is this correct, son?"

"Yes sir" I whisper, expecting to be scolded.

"Is there any way that your mother might be at home today?"

"She doesn't work in the mornings on the weekends"

"Why don't we go over to your house and check to see if your mum is there? Then she can just come in the car and direct us to St. Mungo's. Does that sound alright?"

"I don't want to overstay my welcome" a phrase my mother taught me long ago. She always said that muggles don't want little boys in their homes too long, especially if those little boys had magic. She said that the muggles would get scared of my magic, and hurt me if I let it show.

"Severus, you will always be welcome here. Always. I want you to be able to stay as long as you want so that you can heal up without worrying about falling down any staircases. Now, why don't you get ready to go, and we can go straight to your house"

"Can I use the warm water?" I flinch after asking the impertinent question- my father never lets me use the warm water at home, since it's more expensive than the cold water.

"You may always use whatever temperature water you like in this house, Severus. Get washed up, and I'll go talk to Mrs. Evans and the girls"

When I am done brushing my teeth and washing my face, using the new toothbrush and washcloth Mrs. Evans has left out for me, I go into the front hall. After finding Lily and Mr. Evans both ready to go, my heart sinks. I do not want Lily to see my house. I can only imagine how embarrassed I would be. But I can't say anything. They are both looking at me I can't speak I am so embarrassed already I have made a terrible mistake

"Ready, Sev?"

 _No you have to stay here_ "Yeah"


	7. Chapter 7

When we get to my house, I wish I could just melt away into the car seat. Stones crumbling from the cracked sidewalk, graying paint peeling away from the wooden boards of the exterior, broken bottles on the front lawn, and the remnants of my mum's garden, dead and rotting by the front steps, my house looks almost abandoned.

"Why'd you stop here, dad? This _can't_ be your house, is it, Sev?" Lily asks, shocked and disgusted at the hovel before her. I look away, angry, embarrassed tears budding in my eyes.

"This is the address Severus gave me, Lily, and I will thank you not to make snide comments about other people's homes" Mr. Evans says, in a low, commanding tone I have never heard before, quite different from my father's yelling.

When I get inside, I see that the blood on the wall hasn't been cleaned up yet- I make a mental note to do that as soon as I can, but not now. I climb slowly up the stairs, legs weak, head beginning to spin, I make it to the second floor. Looking in my parents' room, I see the figure of my mother, huddled underneath a blanket, long black hair fanned out beneath her. As I watch her chest rise and fall with her breath, I suddenly feel very sorry for her. If I wasn't here, she wouldn't have had to marry my father at 17 years of age. If I wasn't here, she would still be a Prince.

"Mum?" I ask, going over to her and sitting gingerly beside her, "Mum" I touch her shoulder gently to wake her up.

"Severus, love, is that you?" she asks groggily, then, "How long have I been asleep? What time is it? Is your father home? Am I late for work? What's going on?" I hear my own anxiety in her voice.

"I only just got back- I've been at my friend Lily's house. He's not here, you're not late, I hit my head again," I list off monotonously, "and I need to go to St. Mungo's"

"Was that what was going on the other night? Your father came upstairs in such a temper…" as she turns her face to me, I notice a flourishing black eye, and I wonder how many other bruises she has. I don't help her with father, and she doesn't help me. When it started, we would try to help each other, but then we would both end up getting hurt. I guess at some point we both realized that nothing either of us could do would ever make him stop, and it's not worth another beating to try, "You say you were at a friend's house? You didn't overstay your welcome, did you? You didn't do any magic, did you? If you did, we could both be in big trouble, love" she sits bolt upright, and looks at me, worriedly.

"I didn't do anything, Mum! The floo powder was all out at the park and Lily saw me there and her mum took care of me since you weren't there. I need to go to St. Mungo's. Lily's dad says he'll drive us- don't worry, he's not like dad!"

"Are you sure? I don't want to owe them anything, Severus"

"Mum, please"

As she gets down from her bed, I leave the room. I go into my room, grab my jumper, and wait downstairs for her. When she comes down, she has braided her hair, and put a thick layer of makeup over her black eye. I can still see it clearly. At 27 years old, her cheek bones and ribs protrude, and her legs are too thin. As I watch my mother walk to the door, I wonder again how her life would be if I didn't exist.


	8. Chapter 8

When we get to the car, Mr. Evans shakes my mum's hand. They make small talk, and occasionally my mum tells Mr. Evans which way to go. I look out the window for the first few minutes of the drive, too ashamed to look into Lily's face. When I do turn around, I see her beautiful green eyes, and berate myself for ever turning away from them.

Once Mr. Evans has parked the car, we walk the short block to St. Mungo's. When I stumble, Lily holds my hand. When my mother and I stop at Purge and Dowse, Ltd., Mr. Evans and Lily briefly keep walking before noticing that we have stopped.

"That shop's been closed for as long as I can remember!" exclaims Lily, "Sev, look at that mannequin's false eyelashes! They're falling off!"

"This is the place," murmurs my mum, "will you be coming in with us?"

"Can we, Sev? Please? I've never been inside of St. Mungo's before!"

"Yes, I would like to come in. It might come in handy to see this place, just in case we ever need to take Lily" says Mr. Evans.

"It's fine, I don't mind" I mutter, not looking at either of them, but up into the face of the skinny, ugly mannequin in the short black wig.

When we get inside, I walk up the receptionist, past the small line of people waiting with magical injuries. I look at the man with a fork jabbing his back over and over, and envision myself stabbing my father.

"Severus, dear! What can we do for you today?" exclaims the receptionist, Mrs. Engle, "did that staircase get you again?" she says sadly as she takes in my bruises. I look behind me at Mr. Evans and Lily. Lily is taking in the scene with open eyes, but Mr. Evans is looking at my encounter with Mrs. Engle. He smiles sadly at me. My mum squeezes my shoulder.

"Yes, ma'am. I need more potion for my head, please"

"Alright, sweetheart, I'll go ahead and get Healer Smithwick for you" Mrs. Engle says as she writes out a note on red paper, folds it up, taps it with her wand, and tosses it into the air. As it flies away, Mr. Evans and Lily gasp. I turn around and smile at them this time, "Oh, and Mrs. Snape- while Severus is seeing Healer Smithwick, Healer Molony needs to speak with you".

My mum merely nods.

As we wait for Healer Smithwick to appear, I talk with Lily. My mum and Mr. Evans stand by us, not quite knowing what to say. My mum looks at the floor, and Mr. Evans looks around the lobby.

We hear Healer Smithwick before we see her- the sound of robes bustling around her plump body, the click clack of her motherly footsteps, and her loving voice calling out to me.

"Severus, lambie! Let me give you a hug, sweetie!" her arms embrace me, and she rocks me back and forth. She gives me a big kiss right on the top of my head, "Now, Severus, what happened now? Or are you just here for some more ice cream?" she asks, scoldingly. As I turn around and let her see the bruises covering my face and arms, she shakes her head sadly, "poor boy. Come with me, I'll get you your potion. Mrs. Snape, will you please come with us as well? Healer Molony needs to speak with you"

"Thanks, Healer Smithwick" I murmur.

"Wait! Can I come?" asks Lily, grabbing my sleeve.

"Lily!" scolds Mr. Evans.

"Sure, if you want" I don't want it to seem as if I need her help, but I want those beautiful eyes to be the last things I see as that potion puts me to sleep.

As we walk down the hall, Lily stays close to me. Lily looks all around her at the paintings of famous healers. By now, I know them all. I tell her about all of them as we pass by. When we get to the room, Healer Molony is already waiting for us. He greets us with a kind smile, then takes my mother in the adjoining room. She looks at me briefly as she leaves. I can see the fear in her face, and try to smile at her.

"Alright, lambie. You know the drill" Healer Smithwick says as she hands me a hospital gown. She pulls the curtains closed around my bed, and I can hear her talking to Lily. When I open the curtains back up, I see that Lily has an ice cream cone.

"Those are mine," I say, without thinking, "how come Lily gets one and I don't?"

"Now, Severus. This is my ice cream. I can give it to whomever I want. I wanted Lily to have some. You know as well as I do that you get your ice cream after your checkup and potion. You should be happy for your friend that she gets ice cream, too"

I feel my cheeks go red, "Sorry, Lily" I whisper, and look at the ground.

"It's okay, Sev! I know you don't get ice cream a lot at your house"

After Healer Smithwick is finished rubbing the potions on my bruises and my back, she gives me the potion for my head. As the room goes dark around me, all I see is Lily's eyes looking into mine.


	9. Chapter 9

September 1st, 1971

I wake to my mum's voice as she opens my bedroom door. The sheets are bloodstained from my back. I cried myself to sleep last night.

"Severus, wake up, love, it'll be time to go soon. Do you need any potion for your back?" I rub the sleep from my eyes and sit up stiffly, wincing as the clotted blood and scabbing skin cracks.

"Yes, please," I say, then I remember what day it is, "you said you would take me to the platform today, right, mum? And you said you would cut my hair before we leave, too, right? It'll look bad if I do it myself like last time"

"I can quickly cut it while you eat breakfast. There are some crackers downstairs that you can eat"

"What about you?"

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll find something to eat at work. Now, you get up and brush your teeth while I get that potion ready"

While I brush my teeth with my worn down toothbrush and water (we ran out of toothpaste a while ago), my mum comes in and rubs the potion on my back. It feels cold and hot at the same time. I watch in the mirror as the broken skin knits together weakly, then carefully put on my old tee-shirt. While I eat my crackers outside, my mum cuts my hair with the old, dull scissors. It hurts when she rips her brush through it to get the tangles out, but I try not to let on much. In the end, she just cuts out most of the tangles. After she's done, my hair just reaches my shoulders. It is choppy and ragged, but I tell her it looks great anyway.

When we get off the Knight Bus at King's Cross, we quickly head through the station until we reach platforms 9 and 10. My mum and I run through the barrier together, her helping me push my trolley because it is too heavy for me to run with. When it is time to say goodbye, I give her a big hug through the open window of the train.

"Stay safe!" I call as the train starts puffing.

"Study hard!" she calls back, and then the train is moving. She is sliding away, away, away, and then she is gone. I walk slowly down the corridor to find Lily. I feel people's stares as they look at me through their compartment windows, judging my ragged, unwashed hair and my old clothes. Whenever I hear a compartment door slam, I have to fight the urge to run and hide- I have to remind myself that my dad can't find me here. I am getting away.


	10. Chapter 10

As we walk through the Great Hall, I can feel the eyes on me- following the swinging of my over-long hair, the swish of my graying, second hand robes, and the thud of my scuffed up trainers. The robes are my mum's from when she was at Hogwarts. She covered up the green trimmings with black fabric, and shrunk the robes to fit me. They were already well worn when she gave them to me before we left to catch the Hogwarts Express, and by the end of this term, I suspect they will be threadbare. We could not afford nice shoes, so I had to wear my old trainers. We found my black trousers and white shirt at the local donation center, and my jumper was my mother's. She didn't bother covering the green stitching up, as, "you'll be sorted into Slytherin right away, no doubt". I can remove the black fabric on my robes after the sorting.

I turn my head swiftly to look at the Slytherin table. A regal looking boy with hair so blond it looks white is eyeing me with some disdain. We lock eyes for a second. I raise one eyebrow. He smirks and looks away. After what I have lived through and what I know, no student will scare me with their disdain and wealthy attitude.

When Lily is sorted into Gryffindor, my heart falls. I look back at her and see her chatting with one of the boys who had called me Snivellus on the train, and feel a deep anger rise up inside me. Lost in my fears of Lily deserting me, the sorting moves very quickly. Soon, Professor Mcgonagall is calling my name. I snap out of the daze of my thoughts, and, slightly hunched, I shuffle up to the stool. Mcgonagall slips the old sorting hat on my head. I can feel the rest of the students' eyes on me, judging me. I am not good enough to be here I am too small too skinny too poor too stupid I am the reason the failure and and and

"Do not be afraid, child," says a small voice in my ear. I am trembling my breath is coming too quick too quick, "you have lived through so much- you are so brave". Suddenly, a wave of confidence washes over me. I sit up straighter and take a deep breath.

 _I don't care about bravery- all I want is for people to someday know how powerful I am. I want to have connections. I want to have Lily. I want it all. I don't want anybody to look at me like they are right now and think that I'm no good. I am not just the son of a drunkard, I am Severus._

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouts. It is removed from my head. As I open my eyes, I am no longer trembling. I walk, straight-backed, down to the Slytherin table. I sit right next to the regal boy with the prefect's badge and the white blond hair. Surprisingly, he pats my back. I look up into his eyes, and he gives me a genuine smile. My lips twitch into a small smile back up at him. I look quickly back up to the front table as Professor Dumbledore begins to speak.

As I begin putting the small amount of items I have away in my bedside table and wardrobe, I know that the rest of my roommates are looking at me, and judging me on my obvious poverty.

"Hey, you" I look up into the face of a big, burly looking boy I remember from the sorting.

"What do you want?" I retort, looking him straight in the eyes. I am not afraid. I will not fear.

"You're not welcome here, mudblood" he jeers.

"Say that again" I say quietly, gripping my wand under my cloak. I know what to do. I can feel the power in my chest, running down my arm.

"You can sleep on the floor where you belong, you mud-"

"Petrificus-totalus," I say, pointing my wand calmly at the boy's chest. The boy's arms and legs jerk together, and he falls to the floor. I look into his scared eyes and smirk at him, "You'll soon learn not to mess with me. Oh, and by the way," I say as I stand up, "I'm not a mudblood".

When I look around, I see the rest of my roommates looking at me in awe and fear. After a pregnant pause, the one whose bed is next to mine to the right walks over to me. He is average height and weight, but gangly, as if he had recently had a growth spurt. His short brown hair was combed neatly back, and his hazel eyes locked with mine as he held out his hand.

"Evan Rosier," he says.

"Severus Snape" I respond.

"Where did you learn how to do that?" Rosier asks.

"My mum taught me"

"Do you know the counter-curse?"

"Of course, but I might as well leave him there till I'm done putting my things away. See how he likes it"

"Can you teach me?"

"Maybe tomorrow"

When I have shaken the hands of Augustus Rookwood, John Mulciber, and Clarence Avery, I take the curse off the big boy on the floor. He gets up, looks around embarrassedly, and walks back to his bed. I begin taking the black fabric off the green hems of my robes.

"Hey, you" The boy is looking at me again. I cock one eyebrow, "I don't know how you learned that, but that was cool. Can you teach me, too?"

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Thorfinn Rowle"

When I change into my old tee-shirt and boxers for bed, I can feel my roommates' eyes on me. I know they are looking at the scars on my back, the yellowing bruises on my arms and legs, and my protruding bones. I get into bed quietly.

"Goodnight, Severus!"

"Goodnight, Evan"

"See you in the morning"

"Hey- want to get breakfast together?" I ask quickly, without thinking of Lily. As soon as I ask, I feel guilty, but, I remind myself, Lily will have probably made friends with her whole house by now. She'll have no problem finding somebody to eat with in the morning.

"Sure! Will you wake me up if you get up first?"

"Yeah! Will you wake me up if you get up first?"

"Yeah"

"Goodnight, then"

"Goodnight!"

It takes me a while to fall asleep. I lie in bed, thinking about everything that happened to me since this morning, and I smile. I'm finally here, and someday my dreams will come true. If I can apply myself in school, keep making good connections, and stay friends with Lily, someday I will rise up out of the poverty I have lived in my whole life, and the Severus I am now will only be a distant memory, its place taken by a new, powerful, wealthy, and beloved Severus.


	11. Chapter 11

When Evan and I walk into the common room together the next morning, talking animatedly about magic we know, I notice the regal, white-blond boy looking at me again. He motions for me to go over to him with a lazy flick of his hand.

"Hold on, Evan"

"Okay, I'll just wait here for you!"

"Sounds good" I say as I turn around and walk towards the regal boy. When I reach him, he looks down at me. I meet his eyes for a second, yet, this time I cannot keep them there. I look down at the floor and shuffle my feet.

"So, you're Severus Snape"

"Yes"

"You cursed Rowle last night?"

"Yes"

"Explain" he says in his lazy drawl.

"He was making fun of me. He said I deserved to sleep on the floor 'cause I don't have a lot of money and he called me a mudblood and I told him not to mess with me"

"Impressive" I look up at the boy, confused. My eye catches his prefect badge, and suddenly I am afraid, "Severus, do you know who I am?"

"You're a prefect, aren't you? It wasn't my f-fault! I was just protecting myself!" I take a few small steps back just in case.

"Don't worry about getting in trouble, you did exactly the right thing to make sure your classmates respect you. My name is Lucius Malfoy. I know the Rowle family. I also know that Thorfinn has been headstrong since the day he was born. He is all brute and no brains. I think it was good of you to teach him a lesson. How have you already learned to do magic?"

 _Oh my gosh Lucius Malfoy my mum told me all about how powerful your family is I can't believe you are talking to me please be my friend_ "My mum taught me"

"Who are your parents? I don't seem to know them, and I am very well connected" my heart falls. I know where he is going with this.

"My mum is Eileen Prince and my dad is Tobias Snape"

"Prince, Prince, I know that name. My mother knows your grandmother! Your mother must be very young! And I have never heard the name Snape. Who is your father? What is his profession?"

 _He works at the ministry he's a pureblood he's in a position of high power and authority you don't wanna mess with him_ "He just got a new job. He's working in a c-car f-factory now" I can feel my cheeks turning red. I look back at the floor.

"A muggle… that's interesting. Well, Severus, after your lessons today, I would very much like you to visit me in my dorm, the 5th year one. I would like to speak with you more in depth about your knowledge of magic" he holds out his hand. I shake it weakly. I feel a little starstruck. I just cannot believe a Malfoy wants to talk to me. As I walk away, I look back quickly, Lucius is already talking to one of his friends, and does not even glance at me.

When Evan and I get down to the Great Hall for breakfast, I do not know where to start. I take a piece of toast, some strawberries, and an egg. I slip an apple into my bag just in case. You never know when you're going to run out of food. I see Lily walking into the Great Hall, and wave to her. She and the blonde girl she is walking with come over to the Slytherin table.

"Hi, Sev! How did you sleep last night? Is your common room cool? I love mine! I have so much to tell you already! Oh, this is Marlene McKinnon! She's in our year! Who's your friend?" how could I have ever forgotten you last night you are so beautiful your hair is like fire as it falls down your back and your emerald eyes look straight through my soul.

"Hey, Lily! This is Evan Rosier! He's in our year, too!"

After Lily and her friend Marlene have left our table, Evan turns to me and asks with an interested expression, "How do you know that girl already?"

 _It's not your business_ "We live in the same town- we've been friends for a long time" my tone indicates that I do not want to be questioned, and Evan drops it. All through breakfast, I wonder if I would do better to keep my friendship with Lily quiet around my other friends. The way Rowle was calling me mudblood, the interest in Evan's face, and Lucius' talk of muggles and purebloods- but no, how would they find out? If I can just keep her parentage quiet, then it'll be fine. If they ask, I'll just change the topic. Someday, they'll see that Lily's different. Her parents are good muggles, not bad ones like my father. I know that we'll always be friends. Always.


	12. Chapter 12

When Evan and I recieve our schedules, we see that we have History of Magic and Potions with the Gryffindors. Evan looks disappointed, but I feel euphoric! Lily has been making me promise her since she found out that I did potions with my mother that I would help her with potions.

"Hey, Severus! You said your mum taught you magic? Do you know potions, too?" asks Evan. My euphoria crumbles into uncertainty.

"Yeah, a little. I got her old potions books, too. She used to read me her old textbooks at night, since we didn't have… Nevermind" I am giving too much away. I want so desperately to confide in somebody- to have a friend that cares. But no. I need to keep my secrets safe, and not reveal too much that could be used against me.

"Wow! That's so cool! I wish my parents would have read me some of their textbooks! I wish I were smart like you" Evan responds with a hint of jealousy.

"No. I am not smart" I say quietly, hearing the voice of my father in my head,

 _YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN BABY I HATE YOU EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOU WORTHLESS STUPID GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING KID_

Evan drops it as we head off for Transfiguration.

When History of Magic rolls around, Lily sits to the right of me, Evan sits to the left, and Marleen sits to the right of Lily. As I take out my parchment, quill, and ink, I notice the boys from the train whispering. The one with the messy black hair and glasses looks at me and then turns back to his friend with the dark, wavy hair. I cock an eyebrow at them, then go back to making my parchment stack up perfectly. Lily touches my arm, "It doesn't have to be perfect, Sev"

"Yes it does. If it's not perfect, then I won't be able to take notes. It has to be perfect" I respond. Lily looks sadly at my shuffling parchment, then turns to talk to Marleen. I look over at Evan, ready to defend myself. He shrugs his shoulders, then returns to labeling his own parchment with today's date.

I try to listen and take notes, but the lecture is so boring that Lily, Evan, Marleen and I end up playing a large game of Hang-Man instead. I would rather have just played with Lily, but I couldn't exclude Evan, and she couldn't exclude Marleen. I figure I can just read the textbook later.

Later on in Potions, Lily, Evan, Marleen and I all sit at one table in the same setup as before. Professor Slughorn looks interestedly at our little mixed table, but says nothing. When he starts asking questions, I raise my hand for every one. My mum told me before I left to try to impress my professors. If I impressed them, then maybe I would be able to get somewhere in life. It is important for me to make connections and become more powerful than my mother. I don't want to end up like her, scared, poor, and hungry- constantly worried that I might not live another day.

Every question Professor Slughorn asks, I answer correctly. Soon, he begins asking them only to me. As he grows more confident in me, my own self confidence grows. Soon I am speaking louder, sitting up straighter, and I even push my hair behind my ears and out of my face. When Slughorn is done questioning me, he gives me a smile, and turns away to begin the lesson. Lily gives me a brief hug.

"I like your hair back" she whispers. I smile as I write down the notes from the chalkboard.


	13. Chapter 13

When I am finished with my classes, Evan and I walk back to the common room together, joined by John, Clarence, and Thorfinn. As we reach the middle of the common room, I say goodbye, and set off towards the 5th year dorms. Before I knock on the door, I take a deep breath, comb my fingers nervously through my hair, and straighten my tie.

I knock 3 times, quietly, so as not to be too annoying to the 5th years who are so cool and powerful.

"Come in" calls a drawling voice. My hand trembles as I open the door, "Severus! How prompt!" I don't even ask what prompt is. I don't need to embarrass myself today, "Your classes went well?"

"Yes," I say, "and y-yours?" I add nervously as a few of the other 5th years turn to look at me.

"They were alright," Lucius turns to his roommates, "I would like a private word with Severus. Would you give us a minute?" his roommates all murmur their consent and leave, "Now, Severus, before we speak, would you like a chocolate? My mother sends them to me, and obviously I can't eat all of them, my figure would be ruined"

"Oh, it's fine, but thank you" I mutter.

"No, I insist. You're very skinny- you ought to put on a bit of weight" I wanted to yell at him and tell him it's none of his damn business but I take the chocolate and thank him, "Would you like to tell me a little bit about how you came to know so much about potions and magic as a first year?" I choke a little on the chocolate.

"H-h-how do you know about potions?"

"Professor Slughorn spoke most highly of you. He told me that I ought to make sure you come to his next dinner party"

"Th-that's nice" I stutter.

"So… mind telling me a little bit about yourself and how you know so much?" I know I am boring him he's not going to like me anymore I'm just a nuisance nobody likes me

"My mum always read her old textbooks to me while dad was out cause we didn't have any kid's books and dad doesn't like magic and when my mum had money for ingredients I would help her cut stuff up and stir the potions so she could sell them for more money and and and"

"Severus, sit down. I want to talk to you" Lucius grabs my upper arm and pushes me so that I fall onto his bed. While I sit there and try to breathe, he begins talking to me about his family, and how they have owned their estate for many generations, and how large it is, and about the peacocks in the garden, and the house elves. Lucius hands me another chocolate.

"So," says Lucius, "what is this about your father not liking magic?"

"My mum and dad were really young when they had me. My mum was only 17 when she got pregnant. She didn't tell my dad. He only found out when I started making stuff happen as a kid. It was my fault" I say sadly. Something about Lucius makes me want to tell him. I have wanted to open up to somebody for so long, I just can't stop.

"And what did your father do when he found out?"

"He got mad. When he lost his job, he started drinking, and now he's always mad. Mum taught me how to read and do some basic potions so that I would be good when I got to school. She always says that I have to be better than she was and not make the same mistakes. She says I have to focus on school and not pay attention to muggle girls when I get older"

"She is indeed correct. Muggles don't deserve our attention, do they, Severus?" I hesitate for a second, remembering Lily's parents, then-

"No, they don't"

"I heard about those scars and bruises you have," I am silent, "What happened?"

 _None of your business_ "I'm really clumsy. I fall down the staircase at my house a lot" I repeat the line I have said a million times.

"Hmm, and it has nothing to do with your father? You said he started drinking when he lost his job" I am silent. I shouldn't have said that. My eyes start to burn again, and I look down at my knees, letting my hair fall into my face. Lucius bends down and tilts my head up by my chin. I look defiantly back into his eyes, "No matter what has happened to you in the past, you are very intelligent, Severus. I could use your intelligence for certain things"

"Like what?"

"Oh, this and that. You know, you look better without your hair in your face, Severus. Let me give you one of the bands I use to keep my hair back"

By the end of our talk, I have received a hair tie, a hand-me-down sweater that was too small on Lucius, and eaten three chocolates.

"You keep giving me stuff- I don't have anything to give you!" I say as Lucius walks me out of the room. He pats my back.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Severus. I would, however, like very much to talk to you again sometime. Goodbye!"

"Bye!" I wave as I turn around and walk slowly to my dorm. As I take my homework out, I tie my hair back in the new hair tie Lucius gave me. It feels odd, but I want to make Lucius happy. Even though I am preoccupied with the thought of Lucius' generosity, I still try to do my best on the little bit of homework I have been given on this first day of school. When I finish my homework, I look through my potions textbook, and stop when I come to the page I was looking for. I walk over to the potions classroom. I know just what to give Lucius.


	14. Chapter 14

The next day I skip lunch, choosing instead to go to the dungeons to finish one of the potions I had prepared the night before. My stomach growls as I stir the antidote, gently tossing in the last two mistletoe berries. I am used to hunger- it doesn't bother me anymore.

All through the rest of my classes I check the clocks anxiously, my friends already know that I can't hang out right after class today. I only need to wait till Charms is over, then I will be able to run straight to the 5th year dorm again and give Lucius what I have prepared.

When the bell rings, I grab my bag, wave a hasty goodbye to Evan and the rest of my friends, and dash off to the Slytherin common room.

"Where are you off to so quickly, Snivelly?" asks a sneering voice. I skid to a halt, whirl around, and take out my wand. There is no way anybody is going to hold me up today.

"My name is Severus, and I'm not off to anywhere. Mind your own damn business" it's that boy with the messy black hair and his friend again.

"No thanks," says the wavy haired boy, "you have somewhere important to be? James, I bet he's going to the library to read more about Potions so that old Slughorn still likes him tomorrow"

"No, that's not where I'm going, but if I had your brains, I'd certainly be going there. You need all the help you can get!" I turn on my heel and dash away, trusting to the large amount of people in the corridor to stop the boys from hexing me while my back is turned.

I take a deep breath before knocking on the 5th year dormitory door. As I let it out, I shrug my shoulders a little bit to get rid of the tension that seems to live there. As I raise my fist to knock, however, the door opens, and a tall 5th year walks right into me, knocking me to the floor. He looks down surprisedly upon the sight of me sprawled on the floor, and begins to laugh.

"I didn't even see you! What a shrimpy little thing!" When I have gotten back up, he pushes me out of the way again as he leaves. I walk slowly into the dorm, eyes on the floor, cheeks burning, and coccyx hurting from where I hit the floor . This is when I wish most for my hair to be out of that hair tie so that it could fall into my face and hide my shame. Lucius welcomes me, and again sends the rest of the 5th years out of the room.

"Severus, your hair is a mess! Did you even try to do it nicely?" Lucius' disappointed tone makes me feel guilty and stupid and it is my fault

"I d-d-did try! I combed it back with my fingers this morning and everything! I just only fell down before, and it came out a little" I mumble. Lucius motions for me to turn around. He takes the hair tie out, brushes my hair back, and puts the hair tie back on. It feels tight and unyielding. I hate it, but I don't want Lucius to get mean and not like me anymore, like my father. When he is finished, I turn back around. Without waiting for him to speak, I shove the vials of potion I made into his hands, "These are for you. Antidote to Common Poisons and an Exploding Potion. I thought they might come in handy"

"Severus, thank you! I can absolutely think of something I would like to use this Exploding Potion for, and this Antidote certainly might come in useful at some point! You did very well! You're so smart" he purrs, and runs his hand over my smoothed-down hair. I glow with pride, and flash him a small smile. He returns it.

The next morning, the 5th-year-who-knocked-me-down-the-day-before's pumpkin juice explodes in his face as he goes to drink it. Nobody is as surprised as I, as I glance surreptitiously at Lucius. He checks that nobody is looking, then gives me a small wink. For the rest of the day, there is a new spring in my step.


	15. Chapter 15

_He is chasing me through winding corridors and down dark underground passages- every time I stop to draw breath, I hear him beginning to catch up YOU STUPID BOY I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU I'LL KILL YOU THIS TIME YOU CAN'T GET AWAY then I look over my shoulder to check if he is near and I trip over something suddenly he's there he's got me he's killing me I'm dying and and and_

"Severus! Wake up! You're being weird again!" moans Clarence. As I open my eyes to the dark 1st year dormitory, I feel the sheets tangled all around my body. My brow is sweaty, as if I had just run miles.

"Sorry, I can't help it" I murmur back.

"Just go to sleep!" says John, angrily.

As I roll back over, my body aches from writhing around. While I have gained a little bit of weight from eating at Hogwarts, it has not been enough to satisfy Lucius, who is forever expressing his worry that he will one day pat my back too hard and I will break in half. I am now 4 foot 3 inches and 53 pounds. We all measured ourselves in the bathroom yesterday- a week and a half after school started. I told Lucius and Lily about how proud I was to have grown 3 whole inches AND gained 13 pounds. Lily said she was really proud of me, and gave me a big hug. Lucius told me to keep eating, and that he wanted me to keep gaining weight and growing taller so that he didn't have to worry any more. I like the attention I get from being skinny.

After a long day of classes in which I was much too excited to concentrate, I get back to the common room with my friends. Evan and Thorfinn are both very jealous that I get to go to Slughorn's party and they don't. I tell them that I don't even want to go, but that I'll try to bring them back some food.

I like to do all of my weekend homework on Friday night so that I have all weekend to study and relax, therefore, I do all of my homework tonight. When I am done with my homework, it is time to get ready for Slughorn's dinner party. I go into the bathroom to comb through my hair with my fingers. It is down past my collarbones by now. I know I ought to cut it, but I can't seem to find the motivation. I decide to leave it down, but I bring the hair tie just incase. Looking in the mirror, I see an eyesore. My hair is lank and stringy from malnutrition, my skin is sallow, and my cheekbones stick out too far. As I step back, I take in the rest of my body. Ribs protruding, elbows jutting out, hip bones sharp against pallid skin, and legs like the weak stalks of wild grass that grow by the river in Cokeworth- I just want to sleep, but I must keep getting ready.

I have no other nice trousers than the pair I wear with my school uniform, so I put on a pair of jeans that have less holes, a plain black tee-shirt, and Lucius' old wooly sweater that he gave me when we first talked in his dorm. When I walk out into the common room at exactly 5:30, I see Lucius waiting by the fire for me. My heart sinks all the way to my feet when he stands up. Clad in all black, Lucius looks very intimidating. I feel myself shrink as he disdainfully eyes my outfit.

"Is that really what you're wearing to a dinner party? I thought you would at least know how to dress for a formal occasion. Do I have to teach you everything?" he sneers. At his words, I feel as if he has knocked the breath out of me.

"These are the best clothes I have" I say meekly, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks. Lucius looks taken aback.

"What about wearing a pair of your school trousers?"

"I only have one pair of black trousers. I got them for free at a donation center because we c-couldn't afford new pants this year" some of the other people in the common room turn around to look at me interestedly, and I feel my cheeks turn red. I blink furiously to keep the tears in my eyes from overflowing.

"Oh! Well then… I guess I might have an old pair somewhere you could keep. Why don't you wait here while I go get one?" as he strides off, I look at my feet to avoid looking at the rest of the people in the common room. Somehow, he always makes me feel terrible; but, I remind myself, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even have the sweater on my back, but that doesn't give him the right to be mean to me about my clothes. Or does it? I suppose I should do as he says so that he doesn't get mad at me and act like my father. In fact, I'm lucky that Lucius Malfoy even speaks to me.

"Here, Severus. Put these on quickly. We need to go" Lucius says as he hands me a pair of, shrunken black trousers.

"Okay" I mumble as I walk towards the bathroom, quickly wiping the tears from my eyes. When I come out, I must hold the waist of the pants up to prevent them from falling down around my ankles. Lucius chuckles as he has me hold up the hem of my sweater a little so he can check how much more he needs to shrink the pants, but stops abruptly upon catching sight of my bony hips and sunken stomach.

"We'll talk about this later," he says as he shrinks the pants to fit me, "and what did I tell you about that hair? Really, Severus, you must learn how to listen better" I want to kick him in the shins, but upon remembering that he has given me clothes, chocolates, a hair tie, and his attention, I desist, and channel my frustration and anger into putting my hair back instead.

As we walk towards Slughorn's office, I must jog slightly to keep up with Lucius' long strides.

"Lucius?" I pant.

"What?"

"Would you mind walking a little slower?" he looks back, and upon seeing me several doors behind him, he slows down a little.

"We need to hurry, Severus, but I suppose we can afford to walk a little slower. I forgot you were so much shorter than me!" he gives me a smile, and waits for me to catch up to him before setting off again.

"Lucius?"

"What?"

"What if I don't do good at the dinner party? What if Slughorn decides that he doesn't like me?"

"You mean what if I don't do **well** , Severus"

 _I meant what I said don't be treat me like a baby_ "Yeah. What if I don't do well?"

"You will. When he speaks to you, make sure you do not mumble. Try to look him in the eyes and speak with conviction"

"What's that?"

"It means, well, it means to speak as if you know what you are saying and you are confident in yourself to speak well"

"What if I stutter?"

"Don't. Just do what I do"

"Okay" this conversation does not make me feel any more confident in my abilities than I felt before, but I am grateful that Lucius tried to help me.

When we get to Slughorn's office, I can hear the music emanating from inside the closed door. My heart begins to beat faster.

"Deep breath, Severus. I'll be right there the whole time" and he pats me on the back. Then, we are walking through the door and Slughorn is greeting us and I am afraid but I try to copy Lucius and I can't help mumbling a little and I try to make eye contact but I can't do it with adults if I looked my father straight in the eyes he would tell me I was insolent and would beat me and I just can't. When we sit down at the big round table, I quickly check to see what Lucius is doing, and copy his movements. I pick my glass up when he picks his up, use my napkin when he does, and stop eating to listen and partake in conversation when he does. When we go around the table and introduce ourselves, I try my hardest not to mumble or stutter.

"I'm Severus Snape"

"Now, tell me, Severus, where are you from and what do your parents do for a living?" asks Slughorn genially.

"I'm from Cokeworth, England. My mum is a waitress and my dad works in a factory" I can feel my cheeks starting to turn red, and I look at my plate.

"Muggleborn, eh?"

"N-no sir," I say quickly, "my mum's a witch. She went here, too. Her name's Eileen Prince"

"Oh yes! I remember Eileen! She was a dab hand at potions, too! Did she teach you how to brew such incredible potions?"

"Yes, sir. When my dad is at work and she's off, sometimes she lets me help her!" I look back up and chance a smile.

"Wonderful!" and he smiles back at me. As my smile widens, I know that I am heading in the right direction. I glance quickly at Lucius for recognition, and he gives me a quick smile and a small pat on the back. Someday I know I will be known for my abilities, and I will keep working hard to make more connections, improve my intelligence, and become more powerful every day until I achieve that goal.

As we walk back after the party is over, Lucius tells me that I did well. He tells me that he knew I could do it. He tells me that someday I will be a great wizard if I listen to him and do as he says. When we get back to the common room, he tells me to sit down for a minute, then as we sit by the fire, he interrogates me about my weight. He tells me I must eat more, and that I need to gain weight so that I will not be weak.

"I am not weak" I state with some anger.

"I did not say you were; however, if you continue to be malnourished, your body will reject what your mind tells it. You have a marvelous mind, but without your body, your mind can do nothing. If you do as I say, I can make you great someday"

"I understand" yes, I will gain weight, but just enough to keep getting this wonderful attention.


	16. Chapter 16

It is the morning of Halloween; time has passed quickly since my first dinner party. I am top of my year at potions, but Slughorn likes James Potter better than he likes me. He isn't even better at potions than I am, but he's popular, and Slughorn liked his parents when they were in school. I'm even in the potions club and I go to the dungeons after I'm done studying to make more potions but I'm still not better in Slughorn's eyes than Potter. I still go to his dinner parties and get togethers with Lucius, but Potter goes too, and even Lucius has told me that Slughorn pays too much attention to Potter, and not enough attention to me. Slughorn invited Lily to the one last week. Lucius saw that I was hanging out with Lily and not sticking with him as much. When we were on our way back to our common room, he inquired about her.

" _Who is your friend? I haven't seen her around the Slytherin common room"_

" _She's not in Slytherin. We've been friends since before we started school- she lives a few blocks away from me"_

" _Are her parents wizards?"_

" _It doesn't matter- mind your own business" as soon as I say those words, I know I have made a mistake. Lucius grabs my shoulders and shoves me against the wall._

" _Severus, I am trying to look out for you," he says, face close to mine, "your business IS my business. If you want to keep my friendship, you need to make wise choices about how you speak to me. You have a beautiful mind, Severus. I can make you great, but only if you trust and respect me. Don't ever speak to me like that again, or there will be unfortunate consequences" he says it completely calmly, but when he is done, my whole body is trembling._

" _I'm sorry, Lucius! I didn't mean it! It just slipped out. Please don't be mad! Please don't leave me" I whisper, as the tears run down my face._

" _Don't worry about it, Severus. Just don't make the same mistake again" and he hugs me. I cling to him, shaking._

During breakfast, I deliver three potions to Lucius: a weakness potion, a memory potion to help, and a forgetfulness potion.

"For you," I say, as I slip the vials into his hands, under the table, "Midterms are coming up, so I made something to help you study". Lucius inspects the vials carefully.

"Severus, these look exquisite! You're so clever to have made these! These are at 4th year level! How did you even think to make these?"

"I told you, my mum used to read my her old textbooks before bed. I took all of her old potions textbooks to school so I could read them and work on the potions in them. I wanna be prepared for the rest of the school years"

"Well, thank you very much! I am constantly astounded at how smart you are," he purrs as he pats my back. Outside, I just smile, but inside, my heart is bursting with happiness. Nobody has ever told me that I'm smart and clever and that anything I do is exquisite before I met Lucius. I don't like that he's so controlling, but right now, it's all worth it. All I want is the attention he lavishes on me and the connections he has given me- the clothes and chocolates are just a plus, "Now, you really must try to eat more. See? You haven't eaten more than three bites of your eggs!" he says, and I snap out of my thoughts.

"I'm full!" I sniff.

"Eat" he commands. I want to take back those potions for myself and hit Lucius over the head, but I restrain myself and finish the stupid eggs. When the owls come, Lucius makes me eat four of the chocolates his mother has sent him. I glare at him as he turns to talk to another one of his friends, and scoot closer to Evan, who gives me a sympathetic look.

"Want to talk about it later?" he whispers.

"Sure. That corner in the dungeons where nobody ever goes? Then nobody will hear us"

"Yeah. After charms?"

"Sure" at least I have somebody who understands to talk to. When I talk to Lily about it, she just tells me to stop being friends with Lucius. As if that's possible. She doesn't understand, but I know that someday I can make her see that I was right all along.


	17. Chapter 17

After Charms, Evan and I sneak off to one of the rooms in the dungeons that nobody except us ever goes to. We know about it because on the weekend of our first week at school, we explored the whole dungeon together. Even Thorfinn, Clarence, and John don't know about our special room.

"I heard how Lucius was ordering you around this morning"

"Yeah, he just constantly tells me what to do! Like, I appreciate everything he does for me, but I wish he would leave me alone about the food! I'll eat if I want!"

"I know. But at least he gives you attention. The last time he even looked at me was probably when I tripped over my shoelaces in the middle of the common room last week!"

"No! He says hello to you when he sees you!"

"Only when I'm with you" Evan mutters jealously.

"Well, maybe you can give him something that would make him like you? I give him potions sometimes!"

"There's nothing I can give him. He has everything! And since he has you to boss around and to make potions for him, he doesn't need me" this comment makes me angry, but I do not show it.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you! How do you think I can stay friends with him but get him to stop bossing me around so much? He always tells me that if I listen to him and do what he says, I'll be powerful and people will know who I am someday, but I don't WANT to do everything he says. This morning I was so full after he made me eat all that food I felt like my stomach was gonna explode inside me!"

"Well, maybe just eat more when you're around him and less at other times? Then you'll be hungry when you eat with him?"

"I guess. Anyway, I promised Lily I would study with her today in the library. She's bringing Marleen again. Wanna come?"

"Sure, Marleen's cute, I guess"

"Lucius would kill you if he heard you call a Gryffindor cute!" and we dissolve into laughter.

When we get to the library, we sit in the formation we always sit in during History of Magic and Potions- Lily and I in the middle, Evan to my left, and Marleen to Lily's right. Lily and I use this time to catch up. In between assignments, we talk about the gossip in our houses, classes, what parts of the castle we have explored so far, and people who are already on our shit lists. We both already hate James Potter and Sirius Black.

"They have two new friends, Sev. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew!"

"Ew! Pettigrew? He's so weird! Why do they let him hang out with them? Is he like, their servant or something?"

"No! I think they genuinely like him!"

"What weirdos. Anyway, I don't hate Lupin. He's never been mean to me before"

"Remus is nice! He talks to me sometimes in the common room, and sometimes we do homework together" an anger boils inside of me- I don't want anybody else to take my Lily away from me. But I don't say anything. Somehow, I don't quite like Lupin that much anymore.

After we finish our homework, we take a break to explore the castle all together. Marleen lags behind a little. I secretly hope that we can manage to lose her, but Lily always makes us wait for Marleen to catch up. Lily says Marleen has a heart condition that makes it hard for her to exercise. I don't feel too bad for her, seeing as I've nearly died on several occasions. But I don't say anything.

When we are exploring the astronomy tower, we hear familiar voices. Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew.

"Hello?" calls Lily.

"Shhh!" I whisper.

"Evans, McKinnon! Ditch Snivellus and his crony and hang out with us! We're exploring" calls out Potter, messing up his hair with his hand as he talks. He disgusts me already.

"Don't call me that! My name's Severus Snape, and he's Evan Rosier. We're already exploring, so get out of our way" I sneer.

"No thanks," says Black, as he pulls out his wand, "we were here first. Peter saw you all come in" I pull out my wand as well.

"Come on" mutters Lily, and she starts pulling me away. As I am dragged away, I keep my eyes locked with Black's. I'm gonna get him someday. Him and Potter. Nobody calls me rude names and gets away with it. Nobody.

As we part ways to go back to our common rooms, Evan and I make a pact: we have to stick together whenever we can so that neither of us gets picked on. When we get back to our dorm, we talk to the rest of our friends as well. Thorfinn, Clarence, and John all agree to stick together as well.

"Someday, we'll be invincible. Someday, nobody's gonna pick on us. You'll see. We'll be the most powerful group of friends in the whole school" I say.

"Agreed" says Clarence, John and Thorfinn nod in agreement.

The next day, we walk to our classes in a closer group than we normally do. To my surprise and deepest pleasure, the others stay back a little to let me in the front. When we pass Lucius on our way to Transfiguration, he nods at me, and walks off with his group of friends, smiling proudly. I puff out my chest a little and hold my head a little higher. Lucius might annoy me and scare me sometimes, but it's all worth it. Someday, I'll be powerful and cool like he is, then nobody will see me as my father's son.


	18. Chapter 18

When it is time to go home for winter break, I only pack a few belongings. I am hoping that my mum can take me back to the donation center over break, even though I'll be staying mainly with Lily. I have not sent my mum a letter telling her that I'll be in town: if the owl came while she and my father were both at home- but no, I push that thought out of my mind. If I don't think about my father, then he can't hurt me. He doesn't exist.

Mind cleared, I carry my backpack out of the dorms. I am wearing one of the nice sweaters Lucius gave me, my old, ripped jeans, and my trainers. I get some odd looks from the other Slytherins, but nobody says anything. I look at the floor and let my hair cover my face.

On my way out the door, I bump into Lucius.

"Sorry!" I mumble, and try to get past him quickly so he doesn't know it's me hiding behind my overlong hair and muggle clothes.

"Watch where you're- oh! Severus! Just the person I was looking for! I meant to ask you before, but I couldn't find you anywhere! You seem to just disappear sometimes…" _that's just the way I like it_ , "I was wondering if maybe you would like to come to my mansion at some point this winter? I would very much like to introduce you to my mother and father"

 _Um no I already have plans but thanks so much_ "Oh, I-I-I couldn't! I wouldn't want to intrude!"

"I invited you. It isn't intruding if somebody invites you, you know"

 _How about you let me live my own life for once_ "Oh, I guess so. I was going to see my mum, but I would love to see your mansion!" I cover up my momentary ineptitude, and wonder internally what Lily is going to say when she finds out that I will be going to Lucius Malfoy's mansion at some point this winter, rather than staying with her the whole time like we had planned. The guilt rises up inside me, but I push it back down, telling myself that someday she'll see that I'm making the right choices, and then we can both be happy.

"How about a couple of days after Christmas?"

 _No didn't you hear me the first time_ "Uh, sure"

"December 27th then"

Much to my dismay, Lucius decides that he will pick me up on December 27th from my house, says goodbye, and wishes me a happy Christmas. As I walk up the stairs to the Great Hall to meet Lily, my heart pounds in my chest, and the weight of my guilt is much heavier than any trunk could ever be.

"You're leaving two days after Christmas? I thought you were gonna stay the whole time!"

"I know! I couldn't help it! He just surprised me and decided on plans and I couldn't say anything he wouldn't let me talk I wanted to tell him I was busy all break but he wouldn't listen and and and"

"Whatever, Severus. At least we'll have some time together, and you promised me that you'd take me to see your mum in Knockturn Alley with the Floo Powder, remember?"

"Oh, yeah! Of course!" I had forgotten, and the guilt inside me roars its ugly head inside me again, "I'll talk to my mum about it when we get back to your house. I know your dad said that he could drive us by my house to see if my mum is there on Saturday"

On the train, we sit by ourselves. I let Lucius and the others know where I'll be, and shake off their questions. It is nice to finally be able to talk to Lily in private again. She likes my new sweater and hair tie. The conversation feels stunted at first, as if we are getting to know each other again, but before long, we are talking again as the best friends we used to be. We do not buy anything from the trolley lady- I smuggled some food out of the Great Hall last night to eat on the train. I never feel judged for eating around Lily. As we ride along, we eat our food and draw figures in the foggy windows and talk about all of our somedays. Someday I will be powerful, I say. Someday I will be loved.


	19. Chapter 19

Upon getting to the platform, Lily and I grab our stuff, and walk out into the crowd of parents excitedly milling about. Seeing all of the parents, it now dawns on me that my mum and I never discussed whether or not she would be picking me up. Palms sweating slightly, I raise myself up onto the balls of my feet to try to look around, but my 4 foot 3 and ¾ inch, 55 pound frame is not tall enough to see anything important.

"What are you doing, Sev?"

"Looking for my mum. I didn't get to tell her that your family was picking me up"

"Let's find my parents first, then we can look for your mum! We won't be able to see her through this crowd"

 _No I need to find her_ "Okay"

There they are, towards the back of the station, waving to Lily and I. My mum stands with them, looking awkward and worried. Thinking of nothing else, I run towards her. Dropping my bag, I throw myself at her in a big hug.

"I'm sorry you had to come" I whisper, "I should have told you that you didn't need to"

"Don't worry, love. I would have come anyway. I've missed you" she says, and kisses the top of my head.

Looking over, I see Lily's parents embracing her. Petunia stands awkwardly to the side. When she sees me looking, she gives me a dirty look. I glare at her, and let go of my mum.

"Severus! It's so good to see you!" cries Mr. Evans as he embraces me.

"It's good to see you too, Mr. Evans"

After being hugged by Mrs. Evans, I turn back to my mum.

"I wasn't able to tell you because I couldn't send an owl- I promised Lily that I'd spend the holiday with her"

"I already talked to Mr. and Mrs. Evans. They told me all about your plans, but I need you to come home for a week or two. You need to help me out with the house. When you've finished what needs done, then you can go stay with them"

I look at Mr. and Mrs. Evans and Lily. Lily looks devastated.

"But Lucius Malfoy is picking me up on December 27th. He wants me to spend the rest of break with him!" I try to keep the whine out of my voice.

"All the more reason for you to tidy up the house. You don't want him to be displeased"

"Yes, mum. Sorry, Lily, Mr. and Mrs. Evans. I have to go home"

"Fine. Bye, Severus" says Lily, and her voice shakes the tiniest amount. I hug everybody goodbye, and head off back home with my mum.

When we get home, the house looks even worse than it did before I left. The sidewalk is crumbling and cracked. The front door has one long crack down the middle with several small lines branching off. It screeches when we open it. Upon crossing the threshold, my mum turns the lights on.

"The electricity's back on!"

"Since you've been gone I've been working a lot more. Your father has been sober for a whole month as well! He still has his job at the car factory! I think things are really turning around for us, love"

"That's great! I hope so, mum. Why did dad stop? Has he been like he was? Do you think he'll take us to McDonald's like he used to before the mill shut down? Has he been nicer? Has he been working a lot?" my face breaks into a huge smile- she's always said that someday dad would stop drinking and things would go back to the way they were.

"Well, when he first stopped he was quite irritable, but he's gotten a little better. Your father has been working very hard. He's looking to get a promotion!"

"Why did he stop drinking?"

"I think if you're very good he might take us to McDonald's for something inexpensive"

"Why did he stop, mum?"

"I think it's time for you to go upstairs and put your things away before your father gets home" she says as she turns away. I want to yell _ANSWER ME_ , but I push the feeling down. As I lug my bag up the squeaking stairs, I wonder what made my dad stop drinking. The last time he stopped was when I was in St. Mungo's for two whole months. The time before that was when he broke my arm and my nose. And the time before that… But this time he'll really stop for good! I know it. No more somedays, I know he'll stop. I know it.

After putting my bag down in my room, I sit on my mattress for a few minutes, imagining the life I'll have now that dad is sober. Fidgety, I go downstairs to look in the refrigerator. There are three raw chicken breasts, a gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs. I close the refrigerator and look in the cabinets: a dozen packs of ramen noodles, five bananas, a few cans of vegetables, a small loaf of bread, an onion, and some potatoes. I smile, and go back to the sitting area where my mum is working over her cauldron.

"Can I help? I learned a lot at school this year! I brought home some of the tests I got A's on! Wanna see?"

"Not right now, love. I'm busy making a pain relieving potion for my headaches. I could use your help, though. If you want to finish this potion up while I make some supper, I would really appreciate it"

 _But I want to show you what I've done in school I want you to be proud of me for once in your life please look at all the stuff I've done_ "Okay"

When I begin to smell the chicken cooking, I finish up the potion, and walk over to my mum as she stands at the stove, sauteeing the cut up chicken.

"Why did dad decide to stop drinking this time?"

"Did you finish the potion like I asked?"

"Yes. Why did he stop? What did he do this time?"

"Severus, just stop. Go put away those potion ingredients before your father gets home, you know how it upsets him"

Anger boils inside of me, but I push it back down relentlessly, "Okay"

When my dad gets home, I am tense. He seems tense too. Over supper, he tells me that he's done drinking forever. I don't want to say the wrong thing, so I say nothing at all. When we are finished eating, he gets up from the table, ruffles my hair, and walks to the television. While my mum and I clear the table and clean the dishes, he watches the television. I want to scream at him to help us, but I push the anger down.

Getting into bed, I am very worried. I remember all the times that my dad would get drunk and beat me before I went to Hogwarts, and I am afraid. I try to tell myself that he's sober now, but I just can't bring myself to believe it. To make myself feel better, I push the cardboard box I keep my books in against my door before I lie down to sleep. My dreams are mixed: sometimes I am fishing with my dad before the mill closed, and sometimes my dad is chasing me, trying to get me, trying to kill me. When I wake, I am covered in sweat even though the house is cold.


	20. Chapter 20

For the next week that I am home, my mum never has time to look at my tests that I got A's on or my potions essays I got Outstandings on. She is at work almost constantly, as is my dad. When he does come home, he keeps his distance from me. When mum comes home at 11 o'clock at night, she hurriedly cooks what she has told me to prepare for supper earlier that day, then goes to bed.

On Wednesday, my dad brings me home a Happy Meal from McDonalds. I put the ugly toy into my trunk for safekeeping. I offer to share my fries with him when he complains about being tired from work, but he says he already ate. I save the cheeseburger for my mum to eat at 11.

On Thursday, I make all the pain medicine I could with the ingredients my mum had in the house to help my mum with her headaches. I also make a snowman in the park, but get too cold after a while and am forced to return home. I clean and organize the whole house so that it looks like a normal family lives in it. I shake the rugs out, sweep, and wipe down every surface I can reach.

On Friday, I paint over the crack in the door and oil its hinges with some oil I found at the abandoned mill site. I remembered where they kept it from when my dad worked there and my mum would take me to bring him lunch. Sometimes he would take us on a little tour during his lunch break.

On Saturday, my dad tells me that I look like a girl and that my mum needs to cut my hair again. It is creeping down my back by now, and the ends feel like straw. But it's alright- Lucius' hair is long, too. We even go to church as a family on Sunday. My mum wears the same dress she always used to wear to church every Sunday before dad lost his job. It hangs off her bony frame, and her long braid shows off her protruding spine. When I see, I pray that she will get to eat more when I go to Lily's house. Upon hearing that Monday is the day that my dad will get the news about his promotion, I pray about that too.

On Monday, my father does not come home until very late. I am already asleep. I hope that he got the promotion, but a feeling inside of me tells me that he would have come home earlier if he had gotten it. I have a hard time falling asleep because I am on such high alert for any noises of him coming home drunk. Sometime during the night, I fall asleep and have fitful dreams, waking up often. When I hear the car door slam at 4:00 in the morning, I know that the news won't be good. Shaking, I hole myself up in my wardrobe and wait for him to come upstairs. I am sorry that my mum is home. I hope that she has hidden herself as well.


	21. Chapter 21

Lily and I are sitting in her room, talking. Lady is upstairs with us, lying against Lily's leg. I am rubbing Lady's belly while Lily rubs her ears and jowls. Petunia recently painted Lady's nails pink. Lady is having the time of her life.

"My dad was sober for a whole month" I say, not looking at Lily.

"Was?"

"Yeah. He was gonna get a promotion and didn't, so he came home from the bar and was really mad"

"What did he do this time?"

"It doesn't matter" I say as I shift my position to avoid stretching the marks and cuts on my back left by my father's belt.

"Oh, Sev, I'm so sorry that he's like this," Lily says, tears in her eyes, as she embraces me. I squirm away from her hands on my back, "What's wrong? Do you not like it when I hug you anymore?"

"It's not that, it's this," I turn around and lift the back of my shirt up, "He used his belt so that mum wouldn't know he'd been drinking again. She knows, though. She always knows. She just doesn't let on much. Before she left for work she put some of the pain-relieving potion I made for her headaches on my back to numb it up a little"

"I'll go get my mum! She'll help bandage you up!" Lily cries, rising from the floor and disturbing Lady. Lady lifts her head and looks at me, a long-suffering expression in her loving eyes.

"No! It's fine! I don't want anybody to know! The last time somebody sent a social worker my dad was so mad, I was in the hospital for 2 months! Please don't tell!"

"Fine, Severus. I wish you would at least let my mum clean those cuts up"

"No, she doesn't need to know about it. I don't wanna cause your parents any more trouble"

For the rest of the day, we sit by the fire, pet Lady, read our books, craft things to give as gifts, and help Lily's mum bake and prepare food for Christmas Eve. I write my mum and dad cards and decorate a wooden letter "E" for my mum to put on her bedside cabinet.

 _Dear Mum,_

 _I love you and I wish you were around more but I know you have to work realy hard. Please stay safe while I am at Lilys and Lucius houses. I hope your headakes get beter. I made you this wood leter so you can put it on your bedsid kabinet and it will remind you of how good of a mum you are. If you ever get sad you can play with my strang rok colection if you want. It's in youre old trunk by my matress. Happy Christmas._

 _Love,_

 _Severus_

 _Dear Dad,_

 _I hope you get your promoshon. I know you work realy hard to help suport me and mum. I hope that during sumer break you will tak me fishing like you used to. It was realy fun._

 _Happy Christmas,_

 _Severus_

Mr. Evans promises to drive me by my house tomorrow on Christmas Eve so that I can run in and put the present and the letters on my mum and dad's respective bedside cabinets. I told my mum that I would leave them there so that she would know to look there. She told me she would leave my card and present on her bedside cabinet. During supper, the Evans' talk a lot. Even Petunia seems happy for once. I think it is the Christmas spirit. I tell them that my family went to church last Sunday for the first time since my dad lost his job at the mill. They seem to know I am proud, and tell me that that's wonderful, and that they wish they could go to their old church more often, but it's so far away they don't usually have time to get there before the service starts. I tell them that they can go to my old church if they want to. They say that that's a great idea, even though I know they don't want to go there. I know they want to go to their old church, probably a wealthy church where wealthy people go, nothing like my old church- one room, lights flickering, and lots of smelly poor people. I don't say anything, though. Lady begs under the table. Occasionally Lily and I throw her scraps of chicken. When Mrs. Evans catches us, she scolds us, saying that Lady is already getting too chubby and that we need to stop feeding her so many treats. Petunia seems happy to see us getting in trouble. I give her a dirty look when nobody's looking.

The next day, Mr. Evans and I drive over to my house at noon. He comes into my house with me to make sure. I give him a tour because I am proud of all the hard work I did trying to make the house look decent. He tells me that I'm a hard worker, and that I should be proud. When I leave the cards and present on the cabinets, I find a card that my mum has written, and a pair of green gloves with a matching hat from the donation center. On my dad's cabinet, I find another letter.

 _Dear Severus,_

 _Thank you for tidying up the house so nicely this last week. I am sorry that I never got to see your good grades, but I'm sure you're doing well. Stay safe at school. Don't get in any fights. Make sure all of your professors like you- someday you'll have a wonderful life if you have the right connections in school. I know you have trouble remembering things sometimes since your head has been hit so many times, so study hard. Keep getting good grades. If you can't hear your professors, sit near the front of the class. I love you._

 _Happy Christmas,_

 _Your Mum_

 _Severus,_

 _I'll get that promoshin someday then I'll take you to McDonalds and maybe even fishing this summer. Would you like that? Hopefuly now that your gone Ill have time to focus on work and to get that promoshin. It's hard for me when your here cause I get real distrakted and tired._

 _Happy Christmas,_

 _Toby_

Eyes a little wet, I carefully tuck the cards and my mum's gift into the pockets of my coat. Upon leaving the house, Mr. Evans hugs me tight, and tells me that everything will be okay. On the ride home, we are both silent. I know Mr. Evans read the letters my mum and dad left over my shoulder. I know he pities me for my house and my situation. I just want to disappear. I want to get out of this town and not be pitied anymore.


	22. Chapter 22

On Christmas Eve, we eat the food we helped Mrs. Evans prepare. Even the eggplant. I let myself pretend that I am part of their family for a while. I learn then that even the least tasty of foods tastes better than the fanciest meal when it is eaten with a loving family.

Later that night we sit by the fire, admiring the tree, petting Lady, and talking about Christmas. Mrs. Evans asks me how my family usually celebrates. I tell her that my parents have been too busy to decorate a tree since my dad lost his job at the mill, so we just give each other cards. I always try to make my mum something, and my mum and dad usually get me something from the donation center. I can feel their eyes on me- this family united in their pity. I want to bury my face in Lady's side and scream. Lady, already lying with her head on my lap, looks up at my face with her lovely brown eyes. I plant a kiss on her wet nose and hug her close to me. I wish she were mine. I wish this house were mine and this family and this food and this Christmas tree and and and

Before I go to bed, I write Lily and Mr. and Mrs. Evans cards.

 _Dear Mr. and Mrs. Evans,_

 _Thank you for inviting me to your house for Christmas and for winter break. I love your house and Lady. It was realy fun helping to dekorat the tree. I've never done that befor and it was realy cool. Thank you for giving me food and leting me stay here and for driving me back to my house the other day when I needed to give my mum and dad there cards. I wish I coud do more to pay you back but maybe I can when I'm older._

 _Love_

 _Severus Snape_

 _Dear Lily,_

 _Thank you for being my best friend. I realy apreshiate that you share everything with me even Lady and your house and your parents and everything. It was really fun dekorating the tree with you yesterday caus I've never done it before. I've never had a friend like you and I hope we stay best friends forever. I know that sometimes I do stuff that makes you mad and I know that you don't like my other friends in Slytherin but someday you'l see that it's alrite. Someday I'll be better and then you won't be mad at me anymore and we'll be realy happy. I wish I could have goten you a present but I only coud make you this card and this Christmas ornament when we were krafting the other day. Someday I'll be able to buy you lots of cool stuff._

 _Love,_

 _Sev_

When I wake up the next morning, I find that Lady has been sleeping on my bed with me. I cuddle close to her and fall back to sleep for a little while before Lily comes running down the stairs to wake me up.

"Sev, are you awake" she says.

"No" I groan.

"Sev, you silly goose! It's Christmas!"

"So? We already celebrated last night, didn't we?"

"No, you ding dong! Come on!"

I have never seen so many wrapped boxes in my life! It looks like a scene from the picture book my mum used to let me read while she shopped at the donation center. There are presents for everybody, even Lady! Since I didn't make a card or anything for Petunia, I go up to her, tell her Happy Christmas, and shake her hand. She doesn't make eye contact with me, and she lets go of my hand as quickly as she can. I feel anger boiling inside of me, but firmly push it back down. Someday I think I'm going to explode from all the pent up anger inside of me. Lily really likes the angel ornament I made her while we were crafting, and even pretends to be surprised. Mr. and Mrs. Evans also like the ornament I made for them. When they all read their cards, they hug me and tell me thank you. Lily says she's gonna keep her card forever.

Later that day, we make a gingerbread house. Ours turns out really bad, but we eat it anyway. I think it's more fun to eat it than to make it, to be honest.

When it is time for me to go home, I pack my new jeans, button down shirt, and trainers in one of the big present boxes, hug and kiss Lady goodbye, shake Petunia's hand, and hug Mrs. Evans. She hugs me tight, and the last thing I smell before walking out the door with Mr. Evans is her wonderful perfume. Someday I'm going to buy that perfume for my mum.


	23. Chapter 23

"I thought you were gone"

"I'm only gonna be here for one more day then I'll be gone"

"Don't talk back to me, boy!"

"No I promise it's only one day I just have to be here one day I'm sorry I'm sorry"

"It's your fault! You know what, boy? It's your goddamn fault! Everytime I see you I get distracted and then I can't get that promotion and it's your fault! YOU GODDAMN KID LISTEN TO ME!"

He throws his empty vodka bottle down and it smashes on the floor. As he rises unsteadily from the couch, I turn around. I try to run back to the door, but it is as it always is. I don't know why I try to run anymore. I just don't know.


	24. Chapter 24

From the moment Lucius picks me up from my house he harasses me. First it's about all of the new bruises I have from last night. Then it's about the blood around my mouth from where my lip was split. Then it's about the tooth that got knocked out. Then it's about how I'm still too skinny and aren't I at least trying to eat well? When he sees the tears fall down my face, me tells me to stop being a baby and put my chin up. He gives me five minutes to get the blood off my face and change clothes, but the bullying doesn't stop after that- not even when we get to the manor. His parents are obviously disgusted at my appearance, and he tells me roughly that I could have at least tried to tidy myself up before he came to get me. Little does he know that I slept on the floor where I passed out last night and only his knock on the door woke me up. By this time, there is so much anger and resentment bubbling inside of me I am surprised that I manage to keep it down.

Later that afternoon, we go down to his father's potions study. Lucius wants me to make him a pepperup potion, as he has been suffering from a runny nose all winter. After a few hours, he looks up from his book and comes over to where I am preparing ingredients.

"Severus, have you been cutting that aconite root all this time?"

"Yes. It has to be perfect"

"It is. Just come upstairs- you're going to take a shower while my mother and father are out"

"No. This has to be perfect"

"What did you say to me?"

"No. This has to be perfect! If it's not perfect then it won't be good enough and I'll be a failure and it'll be bad and and and"

"Now, stop this nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself, Severus. An intelligent boy like you throwing a fit over something so stupid!"

"IT'S NOT STUPID! IT HAS TO BE PERFECT!" I turn around and yell at him. I can't breathe well and I'm mad that he doesn't understand he never understands I hate him I hate everything I hate myself

"Upstairs. Now" Lucius barks

"NO!" I cry, and punch him in the chest. He grabs me, and I am back at home. My father is picking me up, getting ready to throw me to the floor and beat me senseless. I start to punch, kick, hit, and tear at every part of Lucius that I can reach. I won't go down without a fight. I need to make my aconite root perfect, and he is the only thing standing in my way. He drops me to the floor. I scramble up and start feverishly cutting at my aconite root again. It has to be perfect or everything will fall apart.

"Severus! Get over here right now and apologize to me!" Lucius is yelling. My tears are running into my aconite root as I sob I can't breathe I can't breathe. When he picks me up again from the back, I flail around. My father is grabbing me taking me away from the door I am trying to escape from he is taking me he is going to kill me this time I know it.

Lucius flings me over his shoulder and starts walking upstairs. I punch his back and pull his hair and kick at the air trying to get him to let go! I am screaming sobbing I don't wanna get beat up he's gonna kill me I can't breathe.

When we get upstairs to Lucius' room, he throws me down onto his bed. I stagger up and run to the door. He grabs me again by my arm just like my dad does and he drags me back over to the bed.

"SEVERUS, STOP THIS!"

"No!" I yell.

"What do you mean?!"

"NO!"

"NO WHAT?!"

"NO!" and he hits me across the face so hard I am knocked across the floor. I lie, curled up in a ball, sobbing on the rug, and waiting for it to begin. His shadow falls over me, and he takes a deep breath.

"I am not your father. I am a Malfoy," I know he's going to hit me he's gonna beat me he's gonna kill me, "I am going to sit here until you are calm, and then we are going to talk about this like civilized wizards" and he sits down by my head. All the years of pent up fear, frustration, jealousy, and rage are bursting out of me all at once, and I can't stop I can't stop.

When I have used up all of my tears and my body is exhausted and sore from sobbing, I feel my muscles relax all at once, "I just wanted it to be perfect" I whisper sadly.

"Severus, why do you want everything to be perfect?"

"My dad always says I'm stupid and a failure. I don't wanna be stupid"

"You? Stupid? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life!"

"My dad always beats me up or hits me with his belt when he's mad. I was stupid so I thought you were gonna beat me up like my dad. If I cry at home I get beat. Whenever I try to run away and he catches me he beats me up even worse 'cause I'm stupid and I'm bad and I'm ugly and I'm a failure" one last big, fat tear rolls down my cheek. Lucius tentatively smoothes my hair out of my face.

"No, Severus, you are NOT a failure. I have tried to help you throughout this last semester, and you have come a long way. Keep listening to me, and I will make you great. I promise you that. You will be great," Lucius stands up, fixes his hair, and holds out his hand. I take it, and he helps me stand up. Regal manner back, he says, "Now, are you ready to get up and take a shower? I have some old dress robes that might fit you that I want you to try on. Dinner is a formal occasion in this mansion" taking a cue from his behavior, I wipe the tears off my face and sit up dazedly, "Yes. Do you have any soap I can use for my hair?"

"Soap?! You can't use soap on your hair! No wonder your hair is lank and unhealthy all the time! Come with me. I have some extra shampoo and conditioner that you may use"

Throughout the rest of winter break, we do not speak of what happened. When we get on the train, Lucius pulls me into his train compartment. As I vanish into the compartment, I see Lily looking at me sadly. For a second we lock eyes, then I am dragged into the darkness, and Lily- my pure, sweet Lily- stays in the light without me.


	25. Chapter 25

"So, Severus, I've been thinking" muses Lucius as we sit by the fire one night, he in his armchair, and I on the floor next to him. I have just come in from playing in the snow with Evan. My hair is still wet, and my cheeks are still red from the cold. I have already changed into my baggy sweatpants and tee-shirt.

"Do you think often, then?" I snicker. I have slowly become more comfortable being myself around him.

"Very funny," he sneers, and softly boxes the top of my head, "I was thinking about Narcissa Black"

"Oh, Narcissa is cool! I like her alot! She's always been really nice to me"

"I'm glad to hear that. Would you be interested in helping me out with something?"

"Of course! Whatever you want!" I wiggle around and smile at him. He gently smoothes the hair out of my face.

"I want you to get Narcissa to come to the common room tomorrow night- our usual time. You will be dressed properly. And you will sit next to her"

"But I always sit next to you!" I exclaim, "Do you not like me anymore?" I turn around completely to look him in the face.

"Be quiet, Severus. Of course I like you, why do you think I'm asking you to help me with such an important endeavor?" Lucius says, and smiles his slightly sneering smile at me. I look down, and turn back to the fire, embarrassed, "Now, just do as I say, and hopefully what I'm planning will turn out very nicely. You, of course, will be rewarded for your help", he says, petting the top of my head with his long, pale hand.

"With what?" I ask, trying not to sound too excited.

"You'll see, you'll see," he says, veiled laughter in his voice, "now hurry off to bed, and brush that hair!"

As I run off, I stick my tongue out at him. Before I turn into my dorm, I see him smile and shake his head as he looks back at his book.

When I get up the next morning, I dress in my less-threadbare robes and the trousers without the holes in the knees. I make sure my tie is straight, and I even brush my hair back out of my face. I walk quickly out of my dorm room, and wait nonchalantly in Lucius' armchair until I see Narcissa come out of her dorm. Long blonde hair swinging, she does not smile, but she has a certain gaiety behind her blue eyes that no matter how hard she tries to cover it up, I can see. I call her over as she walks by, as if I barely noticed she was there.

"Oh, Narcissa! Can you come here for a minute?" she turns to face me, then walks slowly over

"Severus! How are you? You look very tired!" she comments, as I stand up and give her a hug.

"I guess I'm okay, what about you?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I just…" her voice trails off, and I turn my head to catch sight of Lucius leaving the common room.

"Listen, Cissy, can I talk to you about something really important? I just feel like you would understand…" I let my voice get quieter, as if I am worried about something, and look at the floor.

"Of course, Severus! What time do you want to meet?"

"Is 10 o'clock tonight okay? We can just meet in here, in front of the fireplace if that's okay" we make plans, and feeling very proud, I walk off to class, back a little straighter than normal. A part of me wonders why I am doing this for Lucius. Why do I always obey him, even when I don't know what I am doing? But- it's better not to think about it.

I nibble at breakfast, barely noticing what I am eating. I even forget to cut my peanut butter toast into equal 8ths. Down the middle, horizontal from the left, diagonal from the left, diagonal from the right, then eat clockwise, starting with the one to the right of the middle cut. Take a sip of water in between each 8th of the toast. When I remember, I look quickly around to see if Lucius is paying attention to me. Noticing that he isn't, I feel bad. I wish I still had some toast left to cut so that he would pay attention to me- tell me to stop. So I stop eating altogether. I am full, anyway.

Getting up, I walk slowly to class, brain stuck on my mistake. I don't know if I can keep my toast down- it has to be cut right before I eat it, or everything will fall apart and nobody will pay attention to me anymore. I have a hard time focusing in class. After my first class, I go to the bathroom and make myself throw up the toast. Mind foggy, stomach reeling, I stagger to my next class. To make up for breakfast, I don't take any food at lunch. Lucius, finally paying attention to me, tells me I look awful, and puts an apple, a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, and a chocolate-chip cookie on my plate it is too much too much I can't eat I can't eat. When he notices me slowly moving the sandwich around the plate, he puts one half in my hand and quietly orders me to eat.

"It's cut wrong" I mumble.

"Severus, I am growing very tired of your games. Eat your food, or I will drag you back to the hospital wing for you to be weighed. You know if Madame Pomfrey knew how much you weigh, you would be sent back to St. Mungo's, don't you?" he whisper-yells at me. I look down at my plate, letting my hair swing down like a drape, hiding my small smile. I finish cutting my sandwich the _right_ way, and eat it slowly. I put the apple in my bookbag for later when Lucius isn't looking, and eat my cookie. Tear it in half down the middle, put the right side down, turn the left side so that the ridge of the cookie is facing up, then tear that side in half. Put the right side down, then tear the left side into pinkie-nail sized pieces one at a time to eat. After eating that side, eat the other quarter, then repeat on the right side.

After I am done with my classes, I eat supper away with Evan and Thorfinn. I eat my mashed potatoes, chicken breast, and broccoli without paying much attention to the details, although I do remember to cut the chicken into quarters before eating. Down the middle, then horizontal from the left. As I am laughing at one of Evan's jokes, Narcissa comes up behind me and gives me a small hug.

"See you at 10" she whispers, I turn around and smile at her as she walks away, hair swinging like a sheet. When I turn back, I notice Lucius looking after her hungrily. When he sees me looking at him warily, he smiles that sneering smile at me, then turns back to his friends.

On my way back from supper, James Potter trips me.

"Oops, didn't see you there, Snivellus" he sneers. Peter Pettigrew laughs. I wince as I get up, knees complaining, wrists stiff from taking the brunt of the fall. I don't even look at them as I walk away.

At 10 o'clock, I take my seat on the sheepskin rug by the fire. Lucius is not there yet, but still, I don't dare sit in his seat- I know that as soon as he gets here, I will have to move, anyway, and I don't want him to be mad at me. Exhausted and weak, I lie down and rub my bruised knees, letting the warmth of the fire wash over my bony body, feeling the cold that seems to live in my bones disperse, if only for a few minutes.

"Severus! What are you doing? Are you hurt?" ask Narcissa softly, coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"No! No, I'm okay, I just tripped earlier, but I'm alright," I say, turning around to face her and sitting up, "Why don't you sit down?"

"Oh, I was about to, I just wanted to make sure you were alright," she says haughtily, getting up and taking the seat opposite of where Lucius normally sits, "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

 _You see the thing is that I thought Lucius would already be here and I honestly have no idea I just made that up to get you to meet me here and what am I supposed to say Lucius is gonna be so mad if I mess this up_ "Um, what do I do if I like a girl?"

"What do you mean?" she asks, cracking a small smile, and tilting her head. Her eyes seem to twinkle with that disguised merriment.

"Like, what if, say, somebody I know has a crush on this girl, and she's really pretty, and they've been friends with that girl since a long time ago, but now they want to tell the girl how they feel?"

"Who is it, Severus?" at that moment, Lucius walks in and sits down in his chair. I suddenly realize that I am nauseous with anxiety.

"Good evening, Narcissa, Severus" he says, inclining his head towards Narcissa, not even looking at me.

"Hello, Lucius" Narcissa responds.

"You look lovely tonight, Narcissa" I notice a pink tinge creeping up her cheekbones.

"Really, I don't think so, my hair has gotten too long!" she says, absentmindedly pulling it over her shoulder and running her delicate, white hand with its long nails through it.

"No, it is perfect" Lucius purrs, smiling the smile he smiles at me when he wants me to do something for him. I look away, and lie back down by the fire.

I wake to Lucius' hand on my shoulder. The common room is dark, but for the fire still crackling away merrily.

"You did well," he murmurs, picks me up in his strong, muscular arms, and lays me down on the green leather couch. Suddenly cold, I snuggle into my robes and curl my legs up to my chest. Lucius turns to his armchair, picks up a box, and hands it to me. Sitting up excitedly, I take the box and look at him apprehensively for a signal. He smiles. I slowly open the box, and softly brushing away the colored paper, I pull out a brand new knitted sweater- dark green, with a lighter green and white snake in the shape of the letter "S" on the front, with exquisite cable patterns. I put it aside, and grab Lucius in a tight hug.

"Thank you thank you thank you! It's so cool!" I exclaim.

"I'm glad you like it! I thought you would. It should fit you, but if it is too large, you can always grow into it," he purrs, holding me tightly, "Why don't you try it on?" I stiffen.

"It's a little cold. I'll wear it this weekend!"

"Excuse me? I asked you to try it on" he says, tilting my jaw up to look in my eyes. I don't want to take my robe and Slytherin sweater off to expose the bones clearly visible through my 8 year old sized undershirt. But, without protest, I take them off, trying and failing to cover up the hip bones jutting out from above my belt, or the ribs, vivid underneath my milk-white skin in the firelight. When I put the robe and sweater down on the couch, Lucius tentatively wraps his fingers around my tiny arm, then looks at me angrily.

"'It's a little cold'?" he sneers, "Why? Why won't you just EAT?" the loud voice, frightens me, and I try to pull away. He pulls back, just like my father does when I try to run away, and suddenly I am terrified. I turn around and try to push his hand off my arm. He grabs me by the waist and shoves me onto the couch, "Look," he says more quietly, holding me there, "you won't be able to finish school the way you're headed. How do I get it through your head that you need to eat to stay alive? You know what happens when you don't eat! How many times have you been to St. Mungo's, near starvation? Now, listen to me, listen!" he says, forcing my head around to look at him again and wiping the tears from my face, "You're going to start working on eating a bit more for me, yes? Good, now try on your new sweater and stop crying"

The sweater is far too big, but Lucius seems content.

"Thank you for the sweater, Lucius. I love it" I sniffle, wiping another rogue tear from my eye.

"No, Severus, thank **you** ," he responds, smoothing my hair back, "tonight was very successful. Let's just say, you'll be seeing a lot more of Narcissa from now on" and he smiles at me.

"Did you ask her out?" I ask, perking up a little.

"Did I? Of course I did! And of course she said yes"

"That's awesome! I'm so happy for you!" I smile up at him, and he pats me on the back.

"Now, run off to bed! It's getting late, and you have an exam tomorrow!"

"How did you know about that?" I ask, disgruntled.

"Severus, like I said, your business is my business. Now, go on! Get some sleep, and I want to see you eating a good breakfast tomorrow so that you can concentrate on your exam, yes?"

"Okay, goodnight, Lucius, and thank you again for the awesome sweater!" I say, hugging him briefly, and taking my robe and Slytherin sweater off the couch.

As I get ready for bed, I reflect on the day's events. Taking my new sweater off, I fold it _very_ nicely, and put it on top of my trunk at the foot of my bed, right next to my school uniform for tomorrow.

When I wake up in the morning, I am holding it tightly in my arms, right up against my face.


	26. Chapter 26

When Lucius graduates, his parents make Narcissa and I sit with them. I hate being with his parents- I always feel so judged. I am not enough, I am not worthy of being included in their gathering, I am stupid, I am ugly, I am a failure, I am I am I am

His parents ask me a lot of questions about my studies. I try really hard to not stutter and to speak confidently because I don't want to let Lucius down. When she can tell that I am anxious, Narcissa squeezes my hand beneath the taffeta of her dress hanging over the side of the chair. After questioning me, they move to Narcissa. While she is much better at socializing than I am, I can tell that she, too, is anxious about making a good impression.

After the ceremony, we wait for Lucius in the Entrance Hall. Narcissa and I wait nervously, slightly apart from the Malfoys.

"You did really well, Severus! You barely stuttered once!" she says kindly.

"Thanks, I feel like I can never be good in their eyes, though. I'm not like you- they really like you!"

"Well, I do try to keep up appearances" she says, haughtily. I drop it.

When we see Lucius coming towards us, Narcissa and I stay back to let him talk with his parents before approaching. When he's finished, he strides over to us and pulls us both into a bear hug. As he lets go of us, he gives Narcissa a long kiss- I turn red and look away- then whispers to me, "Meet me down in the common room. Wait by my bed. I have some things I would like to discuss with you" I nod my understanding, and slip away without being noticed. Seeing Potter out of the corner of my eye, I stick to the shadows as I make my way back to the common room. When I get there, I wait nervously for what feels like hours until Lucius finally arrives.

"Congratulations" I mumble, looking at my feet. He tilts my jaw up so he can look me in the face.

"What's troubling you, Severus?"

"As soon as you're gone, you're gonna forget about me then I'll be alone and I'll never see you again 'cause you won't need me to make you cool potions anymore" it all comes out in one long breath- all the fears I've been holding in since he befriended me when I was a First Year.

"You insult me, Severus. Do you really think I only like you because you make me potions? That's like me asking you if you only liked me because I give you chocolate! And you have friends! Why are you so worried?" he exclaims, gently brushing the hair out of my face, and sitting down with me on the side of his bed, "Come, talk to me! I command you to explain yourself" he says gently, smiling at my nervous face.

"You're always here for me at school, and now that you're gonna be gone, you'll forget about me and I'll lose you" I whisper.

"Severus, I could never forget about you. You are very special- not just for your incredible talent at potions- you have such an endearing personality, once you let people in. Not only this, but you are incredibly resistant! I very much admire your strength and bravery in the face of danger"

"I'm not brave, and I'm not strong. I'm weak, and stupid, and I'm a failure. Nobody likes me" I sniffle, tears starting to appear in my eyes like the droplets of vodka that splash on the coffee table when my dad slams his bottles down before coming for me. Drying my tears, Lucius pulls me into a tight hug.

"When will you stop listening to the voice of your father in your head and start listening to those who truly care for you?" he whispers, "We are like brothers now, you and I. You are so loyal- I feel as if you would follow me anywhere I lead you. Yes?" Without hesitating, I nod into his chest, "That means a lot to me, Severus" he says, smoothing my hair.

"Where will you go now?" I ask, wiggling out of his arms and turning to look inquisitively at him. He laughs, and smoothes down my rumpled hair before answering.

"I will be traveling around the world for a while, making new contacts and working for my family, as well as for the group I am joining"

"What group?"

"You'll know soon enough, but not now," pouting, I look up at him with my best puppy dog eyes, "Now, Severus," he laughs, "that might work on the professors, but not on me! I promise, you will know when you're older"

"Okay," I sniff, "will you send me pictures and letters when you travel? I wanna see the world, too!"

"Of course! But you don't get off the hook so easily- I seem to recall somebody, age 14, quite skinny, black hair and dark eyes saying that I would forget about him after leaving Hogwarts! That warrants punishment! You won't get your pictures OR presents till you visit me over break this summer and in the coming years!" he exclaims, beginning to tickle me mercilessly.

"Stop!" I giggle, unable to hold it together. Writhing around on his bed, I can't escape. Finally, after pinning my hands behind my back and pushing me into the mattress, he asks the final question.

"Surrender?"

"Surrender!" I whine. When he lets me up, I pounce on him from behind, grabbing him in a loose choke-hold. As easily as if I was a doll, he flips me around and pins me to the bed again on my back. I giggle nervously, "gotcha!"

"Hmm, now that I look at it, it appears that I got you!" he smiles, and cuffs me playfully over the head before letting me up, "I will pick you up from your house on July 1st"

"Okay!

"I charmed this parchment for us. We can keep in touch through it. When you write on it, it will show up on my parchment, and vice versa. I will still write you letters, but you'll get them when I pick you up"

"Cool! You're so good at charms! How come I can't be good like you?"

"Don't start with me, you attention-seeking brat," he says jokingly, "you know you're a little potions prodigy! Oh, and by the way, you will of course have my seat at the fire from now on. I have let the other Slytherins know. They should respect my word, and if not, they should respect you from now on," at his words, I positively glow with pride, unable to contain my smile, "Now, want to come down with me to say goodbye to my parents?"

"Yeah!" and, with one last look at the dormitory we set off for the future.


	27. Chapter 27

June 12th, 1975

When I get off the train for summer break, I must wait for four hours on the platform before my mum can pick me up. The Evans' offer to drive me home, but I wave them off and explain that my mum told me she would come. Potter and Black notice I am sitting alone and come over to try to taunt me. I pay no attention to them- my mind is full of the fear of my father.

Since my first year at Hogwarts, I have grown a whole foot and gained several pounds. I am now 5 foot 3 and 80 pounds. I am still shorter than everybody in my grade, but for a whole month I was taller than Lily! Now she's 5 foot 4. Evan has gotten quite chubby, but Thorfinn is still big and muscular. Clarence and John aren't fat and they aren't skinny. Sometimes I wish I could look like them, but then I remember that being skinny gets me attention, and I stop wishing I could look like them. I got to 96 pounds once last semester, and not as many people expressed their concern over my weight. I don't really know how I lost the weight, but I'm back down to 80 pounds now. Now people marvel over how I lost so much weight in such a short time. Lily even referred me to Madam Pomfrey who gave me a lecture on eating healthily and gave me potions to take to help me gain weight. Sometimes I would get to the great hall early so that people would think I was eating, and nobody else would be there. On those occasions I would slip some of the weight gaining potions into Potter and Black's drinks. I noticed that both of them got somewhat chubbier over the course of the semester. This is a source of great joy and accomplishment to me.

While I wait on the platform, I read my potions textbook and make more notes in the margins. By the time I am done, it is very dark. Everybody is gone, but my mum still isn't here. I can't leave- she might be on her way, but I can't stay here all night. I take out the charmed parchment that Lucius gave me over winter break, and write these words:

 _I have been waiting at the platform for about 5 hours. My mum stil isn't here. Are you busy? If not, woud you mind coming and waiting with me?_

After about 30 minutes, he responds:

 _ **Still**_ _, and_ _ **Would**_ _, Severus. On my way. I was in a very important meeting, but I am finished now._

Soon, I hear the pop of apparition, and Lucius comes striding towards me, scratching absentmindedly at his left arm.

"Meeting go well?" I ask

"Yes. Have to conduct a raid tomorrow. He was mad at Rodolphus, but nothing bad happened. If Rodolphus had been more careful he wouldn't have been in trouble. I have no sympathy for him"

"Who was mad?"

"Is your mother still at work?" why is it that nobody ever answers my questions?

"I don't know where she is, but I don't want to leave now just in case she's on her way"

"We'll go check at her work, then if she's not there you can inquire about her whereabouts"

"Okay"

My mother is not there. They say she hasn't been in all day, even though she was scheduled to work. My stomach curls into a big ball of worry. When we go to my house, nobody is home. There is blood on the floor and broken bottles near the couch. I put my trunk, backpack, and cauldron into my room. By now, Lucius is getting quite peeved.

"You know, Severus, in my family if somebody says they will pick you up then they do so!"

"Okay well my family isn't your family. Didn't you see the blood and the broken bottles? My mum's probably hurt"

"Oh" _oh's right you pompous git_

When we get to St. Mungo's, Mrs. Engle greets me happily.

"Severus, dear! How are you? I must say it is good to see you!" she exclaims as she bustles around the corner and hugs me, "My my you have grown! I must say, I've missed you! Whenever your mother is here she tells us all about how proud she is of you! Vice President of Potions club at your age, and straight A's! It's no wonder she's proud of you!" I feel my heart swell with joy- I never knew she was so proud of me. But then I realize what Mrs. Engle said.

"Whenever she's here?"

"Yes," she responds sadly, "She's come in many times this last year. I suppose that's why you're here?"

"Yes. She was supposed to pick me up from the platform today, but she wasn't there, so my friend Lucius came and helped me out" at this she looks up at Lucius.

"Mr. Malfoy! How nice to see you! We here at St. Mungo's do appreciate your family's contributions! And thank you so much for taking care of our Severus! I'm so glad he has a friend like you!"

She has Healer Smithwick lead us to my mother's room. The whole way there, Lucius stays close to me. I don't think he's ever felt this uneasy and out of place in his life. Healer Smithwick hugs me and gives me ice cream as soon as she sees me. She comments on how skinny I still am, and how she would have thought that four years at Hogwarts would have put some weight on me. I smile when she turns away.

When I see my mother, my heart skips. Her leg is up in a sling, and her arm is lying funny on the bed. Her whole face is black and blue. She is so skinny she looks almost dead.

"It should have been me," I whisper, "it should have been me"


	28. Chapter 28

I stay with my mother for several hours, Lucius by my side. He seems dumbstruck. My mum begins to cry when she realizes he is there, thanking him profusely for being my friend and for giving me so many opportunities I would never have had had he not been there for me. It makes me feel so dismal seeing her like this- the woman I knew before dad lost his job is completely gone. For a minute, I wonder if something happened to my dad, if she would go back to how she used to be. And then, somehow, he stops being the dad I used to know. He becomes a distant father- as distant as the heavenly father I used to pray to when I still believed things could change. I am no longer afraid of him. He should be afraid of me.

When I get home, Lucius offers to stay with me in case my father comes home drunk. I let him. He stays on my mattress, and I sleep on the floor. When my father comes home, he does not slam his car door. He does not stomp up the stairs. He does not check in my room to see if I am there. He merely goes to bed, and is silent. For some reason, this makes me more angry than if he had beat me. I want him to be angry- to show some sign of guilt for what he has done to us. I do not have to wait long.

A few weeks into break, I look in the refrigerator and there is no food. Not even the usual box of crackers or the pack of ramen noodles. Stomach churning, legs weak, muscles aching, and mind foggy, I go back upstairs to sleep. All I remember from the last two weeks is when my mum came home. I talked to her for a little while, but other than that I don't recall anything. What wakes me up is my father stomping up the stairs. I am so weak that I cannot move. He opens the door, and I feel him grabbing me. I hear my arm crack as he throws me back to the floor. I feel my ribs break as he kicks them two times, three times. I taste the blood from my broken nose as he punches me- screaming screaming it's my fault my fault. Eyes swollen, I can't stop crying. My head spins as he smashes it against the floor and everything goes black.

When I wake, I am in St. Mungo's. I have been in a coma for a week. My body was dealing with acute malnutrition, I was dehydrated, and most of my hair fell out. They shaved off the rest of the straw-like wisps. They healed all of my broken bones, but I will be sore for a few days. They tried to get rid of the scarring on my back, but it will never go away completely. They tried to give me back some of the hearing that is gone in my left ear, but from now on I will be mostly deaf in that ear. They gave me as much anti-concussion potion as they could, but I will need to stay here for the next month so that they can keep track of how my brain is healing. They say I am lucky to be alive. They say that every time I come here.

My mother comes as soon as she hears.

"This is the last time he's gonna do this to me" I say.

"Of course it is," responds my mum, "you know he's gonna get sober. You know he'll stop. Remember? He was sober for a whole month a few years ago! As soon as he gets that promotion everything will be okay again!"

"Sure," I reply, "of course, mum". I say it because to speak the words I know in my heart would be blasphemy against her and every lie she has told herself. I might as well let her think what she wants. When what I'm planning finally happens, she and I will be able to live happily again. She will be the mum she used to be, and we won't have to lie to ourselves anymore.

Through St. Mungo's, I am able to send an owl to Lucius, requesting to stay at his manor when I get out of the hospital. He responds in person. When he marches through the doors, he scares me for a minute. He looks more like his father than the Lucius I used to know, but then again, the older I get, the more I look like my father as well. He stays for several hours, playing cards with me, talking about new spells he's learning, and roundly abusing my father with me. I tell him, in the strictest confidence, that I am now almost completely deaf in my left ear, and I've been having trouble remembering words. He tells me that he won't tell anybody, and that he will help me if I ever have to write speeches. I highly doubt that I will ever have to write speeches, but I thank him anyway. Soon, Healer Smithwick chivvies Lucius out, explaining that I need my sleep, and how do we expect my brain to heal if I don't get enough sleep! And look at how little I've drunk! I should know better! I need to drink at least three of those water bottles per day and I have barely drunk one! Shame on me! And with that, Lucius is gone, and I am being poured more water and given more food and being told to go to sleep.

At least somebody is paying attention to me now.


	29. Chapter 29

At St. Mungo's, my hair slowly starts to grow back healthy. After a month at the hospital, it is short, but silky and shiny. Whenever Lucius comes to visit, he tells me how much better it looks. Now that my hair is growing back, and my bruises and cuts are gone, sometimes I actually take time to look at myself in the mirror when I get ready in the morning. I like to run my bony fingers through my hair and observe how long and thick my eye-lashes have gotten.

During my last two weeks in the hospital, there is a clothing and canned food drive. So many people donate old clothes, I can't believe it! I spend hours just looking through all the clothes! I get all the kids' clothes that the other people here can't fit into anymore. I find three new wooly sweaters, four new hoodies, ten new shirts, five new white button-up shirts, new polos, new jeans, new trousers, new shoes, and I even find two new Slytherin uniform sweaters and new robes! They are a little too big on me, but they look so much better than my mum's old ones do! I am simply amazed at how much people are able to give away. This haul is more than I have ever had in my entire life, and it is only a tiny part of what people have donated. When we are done looking through the clothes, Healer Smithwick has me write a thank you cards to the people who donated the clothes that I got. I draw stick figure pictures on the fronts of the cards of me with new clothes, then on the insides I write the following message:

 _Thank you so much for donating your cloths. I realy realy apreshiate it since I've never had alot of stuf befor._

 _Sinserly,_

 _S.T.S_

When Healer Smithwick proofreads it, she tells me how many mistakes I made, but I just can't remember all of them. The next letter I write comes out a little better, but still not good enough.

 _Thank you so much for donating your clothse. I really really appreshiate it, since I've never had alot of stuff before._

 _S.T.S_

She tries again to help me, but I just can't remember. After the next letter I write, she sits down next to me while I write the letters and helps me spell all the hard words out. I have to stop halfway through because my head hurts too badly to keep going.

When the day comes for me to leave, Lucius comes to visit. The healers give me cake and talk about how thankful they are that I am alive and ready to finally leave the hospital. I tell them all thank you, and that I am so grateful for them because if they weren't there, I wouldn't be alive. I nibble at my cake. Lucius tells me to eat more, but I don't want to. I've already gained enough weight at St. Mungo's as it is.


	30. Chapter 30

At Lucius' manor, I dedicate myself entirely to making moonseed poison- odorless, colorless, and able to be mixed into drinks without denaturing, it is the perfect poison. It eats your liver out from the inside. Because your body cannot process it, it acts similarly to an alcohol overdose; however, it also causes sudden bursts of electrical brain waves similar to epilepsy. Lucius does not ask me what I am doing, he merely lets me work. Once or twice he introduces me to his older friends. They are always dressed in black. They would scare me, but nothing scares me with this rage bubbling inside of me. Sometimes I hear the screams of the house elf. I want to help, but if I have learned nothing else through living with my father, it is that you do not help those who are being beaten, lest you suffer as well. Whenever I see him with his bandaged ears and bloody hands, I try to slip him some of the healing potion I make so well. He never takes it, but his eyes tell me he wants to. For his suffering, my heart cracks, and in the chasm, a layer of guilt, grief, and bitterness forms.

The morning I have to be at the platform to return to Hogwarts, Lucius takes me to my house. While he goes upstairs to bring my trunk down, I slip four vials of moonseed poison into my father's bottle of vodka. One should be enough to get the job done, but I want to make sure. I want to make his death as terrible as he has made my life. Just as I wanted, it stays clear. I walk up the stairs. I hug my mum goodbye, and tell her to have a good day at work. Before I leave the house, I take one last look around.

"Everything is about to change" I say.


	31. Chapter 31

On the first day of class, Lily confronts me, eyes blazing.

"I haven't heard one word from you all summer! I even went by your house a few times and knocked on your door when your father's car wasn't there and you never answered! What's wrong with you?"

"Lily, I was in the hospital almost the whole break. I couldn't come see you because I was in the hospital" _and if you saw me like that I would be so embarrassed- you would think I was so weak._

"Oh! Are you okay? What happened for you to be there all summer? Was it your dad?"

"Don't tell anybody"

"Of course"

"I can't hardly hear anything out of my left ear anymore and I keep forgetting things. I had to be there all that time cause the head-thing potion won't work all the way for stuff that serious. They tried to fix my hearing but they can't. They tried to fix my back, too, but they couldn't fix it all the way, and they made me stay there to gain weight"

"You're still so thin, though!"

"I've lost some weight since I got out of the place, I've been real busy catching up to homework and doing stuff"

"Since you got out of the hospital?"

"Yeah"

"And you didn't come see me after you got out of the hospital? You were too busy catching up on homework and doing "stuff"?"

"I said I was sorry, Lily. I just didn't have time this summer. You need to understand that"

"But you had time for Lucius Malfoy? I saw him bring you to the station, I'm not stupid" she says, raising her eyebrows and looking me straight in the eyes.

"Yes I did," I respond, not dropping my gaze, "he helped me with the stuff from school and the other stuff I was working on" she looks away, anger in her eyes.

"Fine. You don't need to tell me anything, Severus. I understand that there are things you're keeping secret from me, and I think I have a pretty good understanding of the kinds of things they might be"

"No you don't," she turns around and looks as if she might slap me. I feel a stirring of cruel joy inside of me, and suddenly feel terrible- like a monster, "I'm sorry, Lily. Someday you'll know. Someday I'll be able to tell you, and you won't think it's something terrible that I've been doing. I promise. Just trust me" I say.

When we are all done with classes for the day, I sit in the common room by the fireplace, occupying Lucius' old seat, catching up with Evan, Thorfinn, Clarence, and John, when Regulus Black comes up. We've only really spoken a few times, but he's always seemed nice. I have always been wary of him, however, since he is the younger brother of Sirius. Today when he comes up to us, he asks what we're up to. The others roll their eyes and say, "Nothing", but I respond truthfully. I let him sit with us. He sits on the floor by my chair in the exact same spot I sat in since I was a first year when Lucius would sit in this chair. When it is time for supper, he sits next to me as well. I see Sirius looking at us, and smile nastily at him. When he sees, Regulus tells me all about how cruel Sirius has been to him since he was sorted into Slytherin, and how Sirius won't hardly look at him anymore, and how Sirius mistreats their house elf, and how his mother wants to kick Sirius out of the house. He says that he had to come to me. He explains that he knew I had to be alright, since Sirius speaks so poorly of me. He says I've always been nice to him and he really needed somebody to talk to. I pat him on the back as Lucius does to me and tell him that I, too, have it rough at home. I say that someday it will be alright. I remind myself of my mother, and wonder if it has happened yet.

"How do you know that it's gonna be alright?" he asks.

"Lucius always says it will, and so does my mum. If they say it's gonna be okay, then I have to believe them. Especially Lucius. I trust him" I respond.

"Hey! Severus! Clarence is talking to you!" shouts Thorfinn from across the table.

"What?" I say, as I turn to my left, "were you really?"

"Of course! I wanted to ask you if you wanted to study together after supper tonight!" says Clarence with a disgruntled expression.

"Yes, please! I need to study! And sorry, I didn't hear you!" I apologize, trying to cover up my moment of ineptitude.

"I was literally this close to you" he responds, showing me how close with his hands.

"Can I come, too?" pipes up Regulus before anybody has time to ask questions.

"Of course! I'm sure we'd be glad to have your input" I say, quickly looking back at Regulus and giving him a thankful smile.

As we walk away, I catch Lily's eye and nod at her. She waves. Regulus sees her and asks,

"Who's that girl waving at?"

"I don't know, maybe somebody behind us?" he looks behind us then looks back at Lily.

"It looked as if she was waving to you! I didn't know you were friends with a Gryffindor! Do you like her?"

"We know each other. She lives in the same town as I do"

"Oh, that's cool, I guess"

"Yeah, we don't talk much anymore, though. Once we got sorted into different houses, we kind of grew apart a little"

"Are you sad about it?"

"Let's talk about something else, okay? Are you excited for your classes to begin?" Regulus looks sideways at me questioningly, but drops it.

Later that night as I snuggle into bed, I reflect on what I said about Lily. I do feel bad for pretending that I didn't know she was waving at me, but then again, she'll never know. If I can keep my friends from paying attention to her, then I can protect her. If I can protect her, then we can stay friends. If we can stay friends, then someday I'll be able to let her know how much she means to me- how much I love her. My mind does a double take- love her? I always thought I loved her as a best friend, but now that I think about it, maybe I love her a little more than that. As I lie in bed, my thoughts fill with the future. Severus Snape, the powerful ministry figure, and his wife, Lily Snape standing right beside him in the cover photo of the Daily Prophet. None of my friends oppose us, James Potter and Sirius Black are nowhere to be found, and Lucius somehow approves. My mother loves Lily, and our families celebrate Christmas together every year. Are we parents? I guess being a dad would be alright. But that would mean… my cheeks go red and I try to clear my mind of the indecent thought. Feeling guilty, I hide my face in my pillow and try to go to sleep. All of my friends have started growing. Thorfinn and John's voices cracked and got lower last year. Clarence and Evan shaved this morning. I remain too short and too skinny. My voice remains unchanged, and I don't have one speck of facial hair. I figure that it's okay- it's bound to happen at some point.


	32. Chapter 32

The next day while I am in Transfiguration, Professor Dumbledore comes to the classroom. I watch him speak to Professor Mcgonagall for a few urgent minutes, hoping that it has happened. When he asks me to accompany him back to his office, my stomach leaps- he's gone, I know it!

When we sit down, he offers me a glass of water. It is all I can do to avoid smiling. He mustn't suspect that I know anything.

"Severus, I am sorry to inform you of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday evening" he says quietly, leaning in slightly to look into my eyes. I look away, feeling as though he is looking into my mind.

"Yes, sir?"

"Both of your parents died last night"

"Both? My mum, too?" I blurt out, without thinking.

"Yes, my dear lad, both. We have evidence to believe that your father died of alcohol poisoning, and your mother died from brain and skull trauma. I am so sor-"

"It was him," I interrupt, voice dripping with malice, "he killed her"

"Who?"

"My father" and I look up with rage in my cold black eyes and lock onto Dumbledore's icy blue ones. For a second he looks- afraid? Taken aback? But no- the expression is gone, replaced by one of greatest sadness and sympathy. I do not want his sympathy. I need to go. I need to get out of here.

"Severus?" he says as he reaches out to try to touch my shoulder.

"I need to go" I say, throwing his hand off, "I need to get back to class"

"You are exempt from class for the rest of the day. If you would like to go back to your house to figure things out, that can be arranged"

"Yes. Lucius can take me" I say, not looking into Dumbledore's eyes, and not thinking about Lily. If I tell her what I'm thinking, she'll be terrified.

"Lucius Malfoy?"

"Yes"

"I will contact him for you, but before I do that, I am going to escort you to Madame Pomfrey's office. I would like you to have a talk with her"

"Fine" I don't care about being polite- there's nobody here to care anymore. All this man cares about is protecting filthy muggles like my father. Murderers, abusers, drunkards- I want all of them gone. I want to be part of whatever Lucius is part of- I want to power to kill, the power to hate, the power to torture. The rage that burns inside of me is threatening to burst out. I want to scream from the fury and pain, but I hold it in. I know that I can say what I want in front of Lucius- he'll understand.

While Madame Pomfrey attempts to engage me in conversation, Professor Dumbledore sends an owl to Lucius. He comes within three hours. It would have been faster if I had used that charmed parchment. As soon as he gets here he comes straight over to me, and in an act of humanity I would never have thought possible of him, pulls me into a tight hug. I feel my eyes starting to water, and I bury my face in his chest.

"I can take it from here, Professor. Thank you for supporting Severus" he says, voice a little higher than normal.

"Thank you, Lucius. Severus, if you ever need anything, my office is open to you. Madame Pomfrey will be checking in with you now and then to make sure you're adjusting alright," says Professor Dumbledore, "We will talk about the question of your guardianship when you return"

"I won't go into foster care" I state, squirming out of Lucius' embrace and standing to face Dumbledore, "one of my friends from when I was a kid had to go into foster care and he got beat up worse there than when he was at home"

"I will take care of you, Severus. Don't worry. You've been through too much to go through whatever that system is" Lucius declares. I am very touched. Struggling to keep the tears from falling down my face, I thank Lucius. Upon arriving back Dumbledore's office, I bid him farewell, and Lucius and I floo back to his manor. I manage to hold my tears in until we get to my room (at this point I stay here so often it basically is my room), but as soon as we sit down on my bed, I begin to sob. Lucius holds me as years worth of anger and resentment and frustration and rage and despair and guilt come gushing out of me.

"I can't believe that the last words I said to her were to have a good day at work. Not, 'I love you', or 'Stay safe', or anything like that. No- have a goddamn good fucking day at work. It **is** my fault. I **am** a failure. I am **every shitty thing** he ever told me I was. I'm so stupid! I'm just so **stupid**!"

"It wasn't your fault, Severus. Eileen was just in the wrong place at the wrong time"

"No, it should have been me! She didn't deserve to die! I should be dead! I want to be dead!" I sob into his shoulder, "I just want to die!"

"No you don't, Severus. You need to live. You are too smart, and too good to die"

"But that's all you care about! If you knew I wasn't smart anymore you'd leave me! The other day, Clarence was sitting next to me and I couldn't even hear what he was saying and it was so embarrassing and the other day I forgot what I was saying mid-sentence when I was talking to Regulus and I couldn't remember the words. You're gonna hate me as soon as you find out that I'm not smart anymore"

"Your inability to hear well does not change how smart, or how kind to your friends, or how loyal you are. I do not hate you, Severus"

"I'm glad you don't hate me" I whisper.

"I don't think I could ever hate you" he responds, stroking the hair out of my face.

When we go back to my house, it is only for me to gather up the rest of my possessions, as well as to take my mother's favorite pale blue, silky bathrobe that she got from the donation center back with me. It still smells like her. I sleep with it next to my pillow that night like a blanket.

After Lucius has fortified the house with protective enchantments, I turn around, and I don't look back as we walk away, back to the place where the port-key lies, back through the peacock filled gardens, back up the staircase, and back into my bedroom. Lucius reads to me from his conservative newspaper as I lie under my covers, holding onto the only thing I have from my mother, the tears silently rolling down my face.


	33. Chapter 33

The next day when I return to Hogwarts, Lucius, Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Slughorn and I have a long meeting about the burial of my parents, my guardianship, my house, and my health. I want my mother buried by the owlery at Hogwarts. It is remote, calm, and the place she loved most in her life. When they ask what I want done with my father, I tell them that I don't care. He can be thrown in whatever ditch is deepest and closest to hell. They do not even question me. As for my guardianship, Lucius signs some papers to be my "foster parent" for the remaining one and a half years that I will be underage. I think this is incredibly hilarious. I would laugh, but I think my body has forgotten how in the shock and grief of losing my mother. Lucius and I tell them about the protective enchantments he put around my house. They seem content. Slughorn boasts that Lucius always was good with charms.

"And Severus is incredible with potions" says Lucius, looking Slughorn straight in the eyes. Slughorn looks away uncomfortably. I know he is thinking about all of the gifts Potter has given him to stay in the spotlight. Right then, I know that Slughorn will never give my contact to anybody, and I vow to never go to the Slugclub again.

When the topic turns to my health, I feel attacked and interrogated. Not even Lucius is on my side now.

Eat more eat more do this do that if you ever want to talk we're all right here but you really should try to get over this yourself we are all very busy you need to make sure you're still eating and drinking do you want to step on my scale, young man? And what are we going to do with that memory loss? You need to come take more potions you need you need you need

At one point, I cover my eyes with my hands and sink down into my chair, "Maybe I'll eat more when I've studied enough for my exams and stuff and I can remember things more and maybe I'll drink more water if I'm not busy worrying about everything and I won't take any more of your potions I'm fine I'm alright I just wish you would stop attacking me!"

"Don't be silly, Severus, nobody is attacking you. Try to see sense. This is what I've been telling you since I met you, but you never listened to me" says Lucius.

"We aren't attacking you, dear boy, we only want the best for you" states Dumbledore.

"Now, really, Mr. Snape! There are four people in this room who are trying their hardest to help you, but you are fighting us every step of the way! Try to see sense!" splutters Slughorn.

"Professor! This boy is traumatized! He needs rest, more food, more liquids, and more potions for his poor head, not your reproaches!" cries Madame Pomfrey. I stand up, and begin to walk away. The loud voices and interrogative atmosphere is making my heart race like it used to when my father would come home at night.

"Where are you going?" they all ask. I know they think it's a nuisance to have to meet here with me. Slughorn wishes he were back in his office, eating his stupid pineapple. Lucius has things he needs to do. Dumbledore has a school to run, and Madame Pomfrey doesn't need to spend her precious time on this eyesore. That's all I am. A stupid eyesore, "I'm going back to my dorm. I want to see my friends. I think we've figured everything important out. Thank you for meeting with me. Lucius, would you like to come back to the common room with me and see everybody?"

"Of course. Headmaster, Professor, Madame Pomfrey" he says, standing up and dipping his head at each of them in turn.

It is only when we get back to the dorms that I remember Lily. I squirm nervously. I want to tell her everything, but she'll hate me if she knows what I've done. Regulus is the most empathetic of all of my friends, Evan coming in second. This surprises me because I haven't really known him for that long, and yet he is already quickly becoming one of my closest friends. We all meet around the fireplace, like we used to. Lucius takes his armchair back, and I sit on the floor next to him where I used to sit when I would hang out with him and his friends. Regulus sits next to me. Thorfinn and Evan sit on the small couch, and Clarence sits on the other armchair. John sits on the floor next to him. Everybody who knew him greets Lucius warmly and asks why he's back. He tells them he's come to visit me. Normally I would be proud, but today I just sink down to try not to be seen. I just want to disappear for good. When asked what happened, I state that my parents died, and that I don't want to talk about it. They all give their condolences. Regulus gives me a hug.

When it is time for Lucius to leave, I walk him to the front entrance. He pats my back and smooths my hair out of my face and tells me that if I need him to let him know, but he will be very busy for the next few months.

"What are you so busy with? Who do you keep having meetings with? What are all the raids you're conducting?"

"You'll know soon enough"

"Don't treat me like a child- I wanna know. I want to be part of it. I don't wanna be weak anymore"

"Be grateful that I tell you anything about it when you aren't even out of school yet, and as for you joining, what do you think I've been introducing you to all of my friends at the manor for? Someday you will be very important, Severus. Maybe almost as important as I am. Now, do well in school. Keep your grades up, and try to present yourself better. I understand that you aren't feeling well right now, but remember to keep your hair back and try to stand up straighter. You're already so short, you don't want to look any shorter" and with that, he walks out of the doors. He looks back when I yell his name. I don't know what I want to say, but somehow I feel as though I need to say something. When I turn around, I see Potter and Black watching me from the stairwell. I glare at them, and start walking back towards my common room.

"Whatcha doing, Snivellus?" calls Potter, unveiled cruelty in every syllable.

"Leave me alone" I mutter.

"No thanks- we saw you with Malfoy, and thought you two must be up to something. So what is it? Planning on poisoning anybody? What about some dark arts?" mocks Black.

"No! I haven't poisoned anybody!" I yell, face turning red, my heart starts beating faster.

"Guilty conscience?" asks Potter as they begin walking down the stairs.

"NO!"

"We're just trying to keep the school safe- safe from little goblins like you and my dark-arts obsessed brother" sneers Black.

"You don't even have the right to call him your brother, Black. He doesn't even like you! He hates you! You disgust him! Nobody really likes you! You're stupid and ignorant and pompous and it's your fault that your family hates you!" I can hear my father yelling through my mouth, but I can't stop. I'm too horrified at myself to realize what is happening. By the time I realize they have their wands out, I don't have time to draw my own.


	34. Chapter 34

When I get back to the common room, I am shaking. I might have sent Black to the hospital wing, but two against one isn't fair. Regulus asks what happened. I don't want to talk about it, but somehow I end up telling him everything. I tell him about my father, and how he used to say the exact same things as I just said to Regulus' brother, and how I'm worried that I am turning into him and how I killed him. Regulus listens in silence, then says slowly, "My mother tells Sirius that stuff, too, sometimes. She says that he'll never be loved or important if he doesn't behave like us. But he's too stupid to understand. I wish that we could be like we used to be. We used to be best friends, but then he started hating us. Whenever he would talk to me about how awful you are that you had to be like me, since he hates me so much. I don't think you're turning into your father. I think that you're so used to being spoken to like that, that you don't know any better. You don't know how to confront people without acting like your father, and from what you've told me about how he used to beat you and your mum up, he deserved what he got. My mum always says that muggles are all like that, but there's the proof- your dad was so scared of you and your mum's magic that he became a monster. That's just how muggles are"

"I guess so. A lot of the other men that lost their jobs at the mill started drinking, too. I guess muggles are all like that. But then again, my friend Lily's parents are muggles, and they're really nice to me. They took me to the hospital one time, and I spent Christmas with them one year, and they've always been really nice to me"

"I'll bet you anything they're just waiting to hurt you for your magic. That's what my mother always says. Muggles are like thieves- they wait for people like us to show our powers, then they hurt us 'cause they're jealous"

"I never thought of that! But how can it be true? I know that Lily's sister is hateful like that, but her parents have always seemed so nice! I always thought they liked me!"

"It's true, my mother always says it. If you're still worried, though, ask your friend. I bet she knows it, she's just hiding it 'cause she's jealous that you're halfblood and she's only a mudblood"

"Don't call her that"

"Why? That's what she is, isn't she?"

"Yeah, but she's my friend. She's more than just a mudblood"

"Whatever you say, Sev"

"I have to go find her. I gotta ask. Will you wait up for me?"

"Sure thing! I'm gonna be doing homework here for a while, so whenever you come back, you can tell me how it went! Also, when you get back, can you help me with my potions homework? I'll help you with charms if you want!"

"Sure, that'd be great! Thanks, Regulus!"

"No problem!"

I run to the library- she has to be there. When I don't see her with Marleen, I go up to Marleen and ask about Lily. When she turns around to look at me, there is disgust in her eyes.

"Oh, we heard about what you said to Sirius. Lily's in the common room crying. I guess we both thought you were alright. I can't believe you would have said that stuff to Sirius" my breath catches in my throat.

"But he was accusing me of poisoning people!"

"Sirius would never do that, you little liar!" she exclaims, "I don't even know why Lily still talks to you, you with your dark arts friends!"

"They're not like that!"

"Really? Are you that stupid? I know you know what Mulciber did to Hannah Carter the other day!"

"What did he do, mess up her hair a little? That was just a joke, Marleen!"

"Get away from me, Snape. I don't even want to be near you"

"Fine! I don't like you anyway, the only reason I talked to you is 'cause I wanted to know where Lily was" I sneer, and walk away. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Still a boy while my friends are all turning into men, mother dead, and Lily crying because of some lie Sirius Black told her- and to be honest, I didn't even say anything that bad to him, only the truth. He deserved it. He's so stupid, it probably went in one ear and out the other. He was just waiting for an excuse to hex me. I'll get him back, though. Then Lily will see that he's the one at fault, not me.

I walk to the owlery and send Lily a letter:

 _Lily-_

 _I don't know what you heard happened between me, Black, and Potter, but it's not true! I might have hexed Black real bad but he deserved it! They were atacking me two to one, and it wasn't fair! They acused me of poisoning somebody! What was I supposed to do? Please don't be mad at me, it wasn't my fault._

 _Also, I need to talk to you about your parents. Me and Regulus were talking about our parents, and I told him that I've always loved your parents and he said that cause they're muggles they really don't like me and they're just waiting for me to do something wrong then they'll hurt me! This can't be true, is it?_

 _Sev_

By the time I get back to my common room and am doing homework with Regulus, I get a letter back.

 _Sev,_

 _All I know is that you said some really terrible things to Black and to Potter. I can't believe that they would go after you like that, but still, you can't just say things like that to people! I know that you're used to people fighting like that, but you can't do that! Now Marleen is talking about how she doesn't trust you, and how you were mean to her, and how you said that what Mulciber did to Hannah's hair the other day was a joke! I can't believe you would have said that, or that you would believe for one second that rubbish about my parents, but I don't know anymore. I feel like you're turning into somebody I don't know, and I'm scared. I want to stay friends forever, but you're scaring me, Sev. We can talk about this more tomorrow during charms. I know we're practicing banishing charms tomorrow, so it'll be nice and loud._

 _Lily_

I am shocked- how could Lily think that about me? I'm the same as I've always been. She must just be worried that my brain stuff is turning me into a zombie or something. Yes, that has to be it. I'll set her straight tomorrow during class. I'll tell her that the death of my mum really made me weak yesterday, and that my memory is fine again, and that I can hear everything perfectly, and I'm not even mad at Marleen or Black anymore. I'll tell her I'm still super nice, then she'll still like me, and we'll be like we used to be. Everything will be alright.


	35. Chapter 35

"Listen, it wasn't my fault! They attacked me!" I appeal to Lily during Charms the next day.

"I understand, Sev," she says, giving Potter and Black a dirty look, "but you can't say that stuff to people! That's the sort of stuff your dad says to you! You don't wanna be like that, do you?"

"Oh, I don't think I told you- it all happened so fast- my parents died a few days ago. Dumbledore told me when he took me out of Transfiguration the other day. My mum's being buried today while I'm in class. There's no money for a funeral. She's gonna be up by the owlery. I can visit her whenever I want. She'd be happy here"

"Oh, Sev!" Lily exclaims, throwing her arms around me in a big hug, "No wonder you've been acting odd the last few days!" the whole class turns around to look.

"Lily, stop, it's fine" I say as my face starts going red, "Get off! It's fine!"

"No, it's not fine! Your parents died and here I was mad at you 'cause I thought you were ignoring me!" she cries.

"His parents are dead?" I hear whispers throughout the class, and gently push Lily off me.

"I said it's fine"

As Professor Flitwick redirects the class, Lily and I continue our conversation.

"What about your dad?"

"My father? Oh, I told them to throw him in whatever ditch is deepest. I hope he rots there, as close to hell as he can get," I say, suddenly enraged again, "you know, he killed my mother. He was drunk, and before he died he killed her. She died of traumatic brain injury"

"I'm so sorry, Sev. I know you loved your mum. Would you like to go visit her together when we're done with classes today?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Oh, since I'm legally an orphan now, I had to go into foster care," Lily's hands go over her mouth in shock, "but don't worry," I laugh, "Lucius signed the papers and **he's** my legal foster parent now!" we both dissolve into laughter.

"That's too funny, Sev! So will you be able to come visit me at least?"

"If Lucius lets me. He's always been really bossy, and I feel like now that I'll be living with him over breaks for this next year and a half, he'll be extra bossy. We can at least write to each other, though"

"I guess so. It's a shame that it had to happen this way" she says, giving me an interested look. Is it suspicious? But then she looks away, sighs, and does a perfect banishing charm.

"How are you so good at charms?" I ask, partially to gloss over the awkward moment, and partially because I'm annoyed, "It's not fair"

"Oh, boo-hoo, somebody else is better at something than you for once in your life. If anything's not fair, it's how good you are at potions and defense against the dark arts"

"Yeah, but I study real hard at everything else! I just can't ever remember the spells for charms or transfiguration. I remember the stuff for defense 'cause I know I'm gonna have to use it someday, so I study extra hard. Lately, I just haven't been able to remember other stuff, though" I muse. Lily lightly touches my arm.

"Do the professors know about what happened this summer?"

"Yes. They all met with me at the beginning of this year to talk about some strategies for helping me remember better. It was **obviously** a huge waste of Slughorn's time. He was so over it the entire time I was in his office. He literally couldn't care less. Mcgonagall was really nice about it, though. She was really helpful. She's giving me extra time on exams if I need it, and she's meeting with me once a month to make sure I'm on track and remembering things"

"I love Mcgonagall, she's so sweet"

"Yeah, she's awesome. I wish she was head of Slytherin, sometimes. You're so lucky you have her. She really cares about everybody" suddenly, a pillow hits me from behind so hard I fall over. Getting up, I hear laughter. Spitting hair out of my face, I spin around, grabbing my wand, and point it straight at Potter, who is doubled over, laughing.

"Sev," Lily laughs, "it was a joke! Don't take it so seriously!"

"It wasn't a joke. He wanted to hit me with the pillow to hurt me" I growl, as Potter walks away, fluffing up his hair like an idiot.

"It's just a pillow, you silly goose. Sometimes, you amaze me"

"If you'd spent your whole life paranoid about who's gonna attack you, and when, you wouldn't be so quick to laugh" I mutter.

Later that day, we walk up to the owlery together. We pick flowers on our way up. The freshly dug earth marking the spot my mother is buried is right behind the building. Nobody will find it unless they look. We move a large rock over. Lily sands it down with a charm, and I etch these words and a cross into it with my wand:

 _Eileen Prince Snape_

 _Dec. 21 1943- Sep. 2 1975_

 _Ever hopeful for a better tomorrow,_

 _And for all of our somedays to come true._

We set down the bouquet of flowers we have gathered, and pray. When we are finished, Lily turns to me.

"It was you, wasn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your father. It was you"

"It's getting late. We should head back to the castle"

"Sev?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad I got to share this moment with you. I know your mother is very happy where she is now"

"I hope so"

As we walk back to the castle, I feel as if a divide has gone up between us. We are somehow separated, and when we reach the front doors, we say goodbye, Lily and I walk away in separate directions back to our respective common rooms. I look back, wanting to say something, but Lily doesn't look back. Not once. The words I wanted to say die on their way up, and I turn back around and walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me.


	36. Chapter 36

When I get back to my common room, it is dark. Regulus has stayed by the fire to wait for me. I am glad to have a friend like him. Even though we have not been friends for long, somehow I know he will always be there for me, and I trust him.

"Sev?"

"Yeah, Regulus?"

"This is weird, but I feel like I've known you forever"

"I know, me too"

"You're a much better brother than Sirius ever was"

"Anybody would be a better brother than Sirius, Regulus"

When we finally go back to our dorms, it is very late. We stayed up talking far past the time that everybody else went to bed, but now that it is time to go to sleep, my brain is still working overtime. I lie in bed for what feels like hours, mulling everything over in my head until finally sleep pulls me in. I dream of Lily, and of Regulus, and of my mother. I am following Lily through the woods by my house in Cokeworth. Every time I get close to her, she slips farther away. At some point, I am joined by Regulus. He does not speak- he just follows me, copying every step I take. Soon, Lily stops by the edge of the woods. Her family is just outside in the clearing having a picnic. Lily slowly turns around, but when I see her face, I halt. On her face is the angriest expression I have ever seen. She puts out her hand, pushing me away. When I look into the clearing, her whole family is looking back at me with the same angry expression. Lady growls at me, and Mr. Evans speaks with the voice of my father. I stumble backwards. My mother catches me. When I look around at her, her face is contorted into an expression of terror, "Run" she whispers, then disappears.

I wake with a start- it is still dark, but the sheets are tangled around me. I untangle myself, walk to the bathroom, and stare at myself in the mirror, just to make sure I haven't turned into him yet. Skin almost translucent, nose a little hooked, eyes a little too big, cheekbones jutting out, and hair overlong- I am still a boy. I look like a younger version of my father. Maybe if I keep eating less I'll never look like him. But then again- I step on the scale. 5 foot 4 and 95 pounds. I've grown a whole inch since last term ended! Almost 100 pounds, they did this to me at St. Mungo's. I am afraid of 100 pounds. If I'm 100 pounds, then nobody will pay attention to me anymore. I have to lose more weight, I can't get fat. If I gain too much weight, then I'll start growing up and looking like my father and that just can't happen. But then again, I want to catch up to my friends. I don't want to be a child forever. All of my friends are growing up, even Regulus. Turning back to face the full length mirror, I take in my body- I look like a skeleton. My head seems too big for my body, my stringy legs are too long while my bony torso is too short. I look like a spider. Hips and ribs jutting out from underneath milk white skin, spine like marbles, and elbows sharp, I hate myself. No wonder they tell me to gain weight- it is so that they do not have to look at me. Maybe if I were dead, then they wouldn't have to look at me anymore. I take one of Clarence's razors and put it to my wrist, imagining cutting it open and bleeding out- just dying right there on the bathroom floor. After having a silent argument with myself over whether or not to do it, I go back to bed. If my mum knew that I was thinking about death, she would give me a piece of her mind. She, who stayed alive to take me to the hospital while I was at the brink of death so many times. She, who might not have used her magic to fend him off, but who loved me unconditionally, and felt the most guilty for the poor quality of life she had given me. She, who often starved herself so that I could eat just one cracker. If I died to get away from the pain, she would have a thing or two to say to me. I must keep eating, and I must keep fighting.

I will become strong and powerful and live the life she wanted for me, no matter what it takes. If everybody in the school now thinks I am a dark wizard, I will show them how dark I can get. I'll show them the Severus who murdered his father, the Severus who will hex and curse anybody who gets in his way. I will show them who I am, for I am no longer afraid of anything or anyone. I am strong. I am powerful. I am fearless.


	37. Chapter 37

January 7th, 1978

Today is January 7th, two days before my 18th birthday. Lucius is hosting a birthday party for me. We invited Evan, Regulus, Clarence, John, Thorfinn, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix, and Narcissa. Lucius wanted to invite some of his friends, but I told him I only wanted people I knew well to be there. For once, he listened to me. However, he did say that if we were going to invite Narcissa, to whom I have grown very close, and to whom Lucius is planning to propose at the party, then we had to also invite her sister, Bellatrix, as well as Bellatrix's husband Rodolphus. I thought that was fair. Lucius gave me an ultimatum before we sent out the invitations.

" _Before this can happen, I need to know that you are with me"_

" _Of course I am! You think I'd just stop being friends with you out of nowhere?"_

" _No matter what I do, no matter what happens"_

" _What are you talking about?" my heart starts beating a little faster, and I am starting to get nervous._

" _First of all, I am going to propose to Narcissa at this party"_

" _I know, you've already told me! I think it's a great idea!"_

" _Let me finish. When the party is over, I am going to tell you something very secret, and very important. I am going to extend an invitation to a society that I am going to tell you about later tonight. I am part of it, as well as all of the people I have introduced you to this last year that I have held guardianship over you. I think that you would do well to accept my invitation. I have been grooming you for a long time to be great. It would be a shame if you made the wrong decision," a shiver goes down my spine._

" _I understand"_

" _You've severed your ties with that mudblood girl?"_

" _Yes, after O.W.L's" my heart jolts as I speak, but my face remains calm._

" _Good. I have stayed in contact about you with Slughorn"_

" _So you've been spying on me. You know, that's kind of rude"_

" _You'll thank me for it once I tell you what he's been saying about you. After some… prying, he reluctantly told me that you are top of the school at potions. He said your potions rival his own, and some might even be better. You are president of potions club, you tutor younger students, and you spend your extra time prepping and creating new and improved potions. When you take your N.E.W.T's , I want you to take the extra potions test for mastery. This would be a huge step for you, and it would boost your already impressive resume. Where you're going, this will be important for you"_

" _So you already have my life planned out for me? I have no say in what I do after school at all?"_

" _That is correct. You have some sort of problem with this arrangement?"_

" _I just- no. I don't. I guess I'm just used to not having anybody ever look out for my future. Thank you for everything you've done for me, Lucius. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you" I will not get mad I will not get mad._

" _Oh, you repay me just by succeeding everyday. When I took you under my wing as a 5th year, I never thought I would be able to do so much with you. You've been so pliable, so obedient, so, oh, what's the word- eager to please. You know, some people are born to hold the strings, and some are born to be connected to them, Severus. I know that you will make the right choice tonight when I offer you membership to this society"_

" _Yes, of course" I will not hit him I will not hit him I have to keep it together I will not get mad_

" _And it goes without saying that you will take the exam for potions mastery when you take your N.E.W.T's "_

 _I take a deep, steadying breath,_ " _Yes"_

" _Good boy," he purrs, stroking my hair back from my face. Pushing my anger down, I clear my thoughts and smile up at him, "Now, we really must do something about your hair. I think it's been far too long for too many years"_

" _Yours is long! Why can't mine be long, too?"_

" _I appreciate your admiration, but I think it's time for a change"_

While the house elf cooks, I set the table. I am so nervous for the party to start, I have to organize something! Lucius keeps telling me to calm down and play some cards with him, but I just can't sit still. After about an hour of watching me mess around with furniture, Lucius grabs me and pushes me down on the couch with him. Finally having a nice haircut feels strange. My hair is now shoulder length again, but rather than it being cut hastily by my mum before my father got home after work in a bad temper, it was cut by the barber who cuts Lucius' hair. The perfectly unstyled look took a ridiculously long time to create- time I could have put to use in other, more important ways. But Lucius is happy, and that seems to be all that matters.

After finally having a growth spurt last semester, I am now 5 foot 7 and a half and weigh 120 pounds. In my hand-me-down dress robes, I look like a corn stalk. My torso has stayed too short for my body, and my legs have stayed too long. This morning, when Lucius was giving me hand-me-downs to try on, he said that I looked like an bean on toothpicks. I laughed with him, but inside I felt terrible. Sometimes I feel as if he says stuff like that just to make me feel bad, but then he's always there to make me feel better. Sometimes he reminds me of my father, the way that he would be horrible, but then when he would be sober, he would lead me on and make me think that he had changed. Of course, nothing ever changes.

The party is fun. It is nice to be able to celebrate with all of my friends. Regulus gives me his old Quidditch jumper from last year- he's getting a new one, and this one fits me fine. Narcissa gives me a new set of knives for potions, Evan gives me a new book about ancient runes, and Thorfinn gives me a book about hexes and curses. He wrote a note to me in the front of the book about the first time we met, and how the first curse in the book is petrificus totalis, and how he can't imagine his life without being friends with me now. I make a mental note to make him something extra special for his birthday in a few weeks. Clarence gives me a new notebook, and John gets me a new quill. Lucius gives me a bunch of hand-me-downs that look _almost_ new. Bellatrix and Rodolphus give me a card congratulating me on my impressive school resume and where I will be going in life when I graduate. There is lots of good food to eat; however, I find it difficult to eat much- I feel as if all of their eyes are glued to me, judging me for what and how much I eat. At one point, Lucius, who is sitting next to me, leans over and whispers, "You really ought to eat more, Severus. You need to keep eating so you can keep growing and be strong"

"I'm not weak" I snap back quietly.

"Eat. Enjoy the food" he says, ladling more food onto my plate. I take a few more bites, the food is amazing, but I feel as if everybody is looking at me thinking about how they will not like me anymore if I gain weight. I feel like Lucius is trying to trick me into gaining weight so that he doesn't have to pay attention to me anymore. Then, Regulus leans over to me.

"You know, I bet you could save some food for later, then you would be able to eat it without feeling pressured" I flash him a small smile and turn to Lucius.

"Would I be able to finish later? I'm a little full right now"

"Come on, Severus, we do this every night. There's no way you're full. You barely took three bites of your chicken. I'm not going to have this argument with you tonight, Severus. Eat your food and stop being neurotic" I push the anger threatening to explode down, and try to clear my mind. I turn back to Regulus. He whispers, "Nice try".

When all my friends have gone home, Lucius sits down with me on the couch in front of the fire. As I listen, he weaves glorious tales about the new world that will be when the Dark Lord reigns supreme, about how muggles won't be able to hurt us anymore, about how idiots like Potter will learn their place, and how everybody involved will benefit greatly. He tells me who I could become as a Death Eater. He tells me how powerful and respected I would be. People would learn to fear me for what I can do. The Dark Lord could most certainly use my skills to better his campaign. He tells me how much more respect he has gotten, if that's even possible, as a Death Eater. He has more valuable contacts- people in the ministry who are on his side, people who run shops in Knockturn Alley who are willing to work with him. He tells me that I could go far if I join him.

He asks me if I am ready for everything I've ever wished for to come true. For a second, I think of Lily. Then I think of how she never loved me, and how she hated everything I ever stood for. Enraged, I think of my filthy muggle father, how he beat my mother and me for having magic. I think of how I want to get back at Potter and Black for tormenting me for being different. I think of how powerful and important Lucius is, and how I have always aspired to be like him.

"Yes," I say, "I am"


	38. Chapter 38

When I get back to school, I put on an air of confidence. I continue to tutor the younger students. One of them is getting quite good- even though she started out below grade level, as a second year, she is now working on third year potions. I am really proud of her progress, and even told her parents that they didn't need to pay me anymore. Honestly, it makes me happy just seeing how she has progressed, but they told me not to be silly, and that they are happy to pay me for the hard work I put in. They say they hope their daughter becomes half the potioneer that I am, and the girl tells me that when she grows up, she wants to be like me. If they only knew how miserable my life really is, I wonder if they would still say that.

The rest of the year rolls by in a blur. Most nights I stand in front of the mirror, pinching the fat on my body and wondering how much thinner I could be. How much more attention would I get if I lost more weight? How much weight would I have to lose to get the most attention possible? For so long, I have been defined by my weight and my intelligence, I feel as if they are my only defining qualities. I always have to make myself smarter and thinner to keep the acceptance and attention I have gained. I am 5 foot 7, and 120 pounds of useless waste. Sometimes, I use the razor that I have never had to use on my face to cut my forearms. The pain feels good- it numbs the inner turmoil in my brain. Watching the blood seep out of the cuts stabilizes me. I deserve to suffer- I am ugly, I am stupid, I am fat, I am the reason, it is my fault.

At the end of the year I get Outstandings in everything except Charms and Astronomy. As if I care about them, anyway. When I receive the news that I achieved Mastery level on the Potions exam, Lucius, my friends, and my students throw me a party. They insist that I eat a whole slice of the cake. I can feel the eyes on me, and want to fade away into nothing.

After graduation, I collapse onto my bed as my friends pack their trunks up. None of us speaks. I think we all know that nothing will ever be the same again.


	39. Chapter 39

After picking up my suit for the wedding from Diagon Alley, Lucius makes me go upstairs with him and try it on one more time to make sure it looks alright, since nothing can look bad at Lucius' wedding. I take off my cloak, green sweater with the snake on the front, and child-sized black jeans- too short now, but somehow they still fit the rest of me. Lucius watches my every move, making me very uncomfortable.

"Look at your ribs! They stick out like knives! Your torso is so ridiculously short and your legs are so skinny and long, you look like a little spider. You're just so short and skinny, like a little child! And look at your little legs- my arm is as big around as your leg! My fingers fit around your thigh! Your spine looks like marbles under your skin- it's so interesting, I mean, you look like a little bean on toothpicks. It's quite ridiculous, really" as he measures my thigh with his fingers, I turn away, reddening with embarrassment. Looking in the mirror, I watch him combing my hideous body with his eyes, looking for something else to criticise.

"Why do you do this to me?" I whisper as he traces the scars on my back with his fingers.

"Do what? Make you my Best Man?" he says with that sneering smile that always makes me feel like dirt, and meeting my eyes in the mirror.

"No!" I say, pushing him away as I turn around to look at him in the face, "Why do you call me mean things? If you think I'm so ugly, why do you look at me?" my voice rises as I speak, and he raises his eyebrows. Suddenly, I am afraid I have gone too far, and I back up into the mirror.

"You are not ugly, Severus, don't be absurd; and what kind of mean things have I ever done to you? You almost sound unappreciative for all I've done for you" he says smoothly. Heart beating fast, I respond quietly.

"No, I appreciate everything you've done for me- it just really hurts my feelings when you say I look like a spider, or like a bean on toothpicks, or like a child! I know I'm ugly- I know I'm hideous, I know nobody will ever love me like Narcissa loves you, and that nobody will ever take me seriously 'cause I'm stupid and I'm a failure and I'm ugly and and and" my breath hitches as tears start falling down my face. I hastily wipe them off. Shaking, I start pulling on the suit, trying to forget what I said. I wish I had never said anything- now he's going to be mad at me and he's not going to let me be his Best Man and he's not going to let me join the Death-Eaters and be part of the group anymore and he won't be friends with my anymore and I'll have to go back to Spinner's End and be miserable my whole life with no friends.

"Oh, Severus, what do I have to do to make you see sense? You're not hideous. you're fascinating- I have never seen anybody else with your features. Those big, black eyes, that head of black hair, you look exotic, not ugly!" he says, wiping a few tears off my cheeks.

"I look like my da- my father" I sniffle, looking in the mirror at my face.

"If you look like your father, then your father must have been quite a good looking man" he smiles, trying to make me feel better.

"But you just said I look like a spider!" I say, trying to cling to my argument for once in my life.

"Because you do! You never ate enough, so your legs grew, but the rest of your body didn't have enough food to grow! And when you hunch like that, it makes your torso look even shorter than it already is! I am simply trying to help you, Severus. If you aren't told that you need to stand up straighter, you never will," but that wasn't what he had said originally, was it? I can't remember, "we need to get you a nice, well-bred girl"

"Nobody could ever love me. I'm just a half-blood" my voice cracks as I whisper the last vestiges of fear and argument.

"Do you want to know something? After seeing some of the work you've done and looking at your old tests and papers, the Dark Lord himself told me that you might be one of the most intelligent wizards he has seen. He said it is lucky that you are on our side- doesn't that mean anything to you?!" he says roughly, grabbing ahold of my boney shoulders and shaking me lightly.

"Slughorn put my picture in the back, and Lily didn't say anything about it. We were best friends, and now she's with that Potter- I saw she has a ring on her finger!" I choke, breaking down.

"I thought you said you were over her! You need to get your head on straight, Severus! She's just a mudblood, nothing more! How can you value her opinion of you more highly than my opinion, or the opinion of the Dark Lord?!" he hisses, grabbing my hair and pulling my head back so I am forced to look him in the eyes. Tears falling down my cheeks, I cover my face with my hands.

"I don't- I promise! I am over her! You said I need to find a girl, and it just reminded me of her, honest! Please don't be mad at me! I swear I don't care about her anymore, I promise!" I can hear the pleading note in my voice, but I can't keep it out, I am too afraid of what might happen to worry about keeping calm. Lucius lets me go, and throws himself onto the couch. I pull on the suit and dry my eyes.

"Do I look okay?" I say, trying to sound normal again. Lucius nods, and gets back up to come mess with the suit.

"Yes, we might have to pad the shoulders out a bit. Do try to stand up a bit straighter, Severus. You don't want to look like a child, do you? Speaking of looking like a child, don't you tutor a nice young witch, half-blood, if I recall correctly? I bet she likes you! Couldn't you get together with her?"

"Ew, no way! I just tutor her, Lucius, she could never like me"

"There you go again, sometimes you drive me crazy, you know that? Oh well, I suppose the suit fits you as well as anything could. Now, take that off and put it away nicely. Once you're dressed, we'll go down to the kitchen to get something to eat. You need to try to gain some weight- you look so stringy!" I look up and down my body as I take the suit off again. I wish I could look more adult, but I just can't eat. It started as a desire for attention and control, but now…

"I'm not hungry, I don't want anything. I have some stuff to do" I mutter.

"You are hungry, you do want something, and you don't have anything to do. Don't lie to me, Severus. You've got to bulk up a bit- if you stay so skinny, you won't be strong enough to withstand initiation. I can't tell you more about it, but you need to be strong in body and in mind, otherwise you'll find it hard to recover" with those words, he sits back down and waits as I change back into my sweater, jeans, and cloak.

That night, I have nightmares of my father, and of the Dark Lord, and of Lucius leaving me, and of Narcissa and Lucius laughing at me and kicking me out of the manor, and of Lily with Potter.

When morning comes, I methodically drink my tea, rinse my face, brush my teeth, change into my suit for the wedding, and brush my hair back into the low ponytail Lucius has enforced. I look in the mirror one last time before leaving to meet Lucius.

"Nobody will ever love me," I whisper to my reflection.


	40. Chapter 40

"Are you excited?" I ask, "She looks beautiful!"

"Yes, a man ought to be excited on his wedding, I suppose, and I'm sure she does. Narcissa always looks beautiful" he replies.

"What's that voice? Is the all-powerful Lucius Malfoy a little nervous to kiss the pretty lady?" I tease, gently pushing him. Truth be told, I'm nervous as well. Being the Best Man, I have to stand up at the altar with Lucius and Narcissa, and I don't want to be seen in the new suit I have to wear for the wedding. Hand-tailored, it fits me too well for my liking. Small frame evident, Lucius tried to help pad out the shoulders a little, but to no avail. Next to him, I look like a little boy playing dress-up.

"Stop fidgeting with your suit, Severus- it looks fine. If you do that up there, I will be very unhappy with you, understand?"

"Yes, Lucius,"

Sitting down, he angrily uncorks a bottle of red wine and pours himself some. I nonchalantly retreat to the corner to pick at the skin on my lips. He always gets this way when he's nervous. I wonder if Narcissa knows?

Startled out of my thoughts, I look up as Lucius grabs my arm and pulls me roughly back over to the couch by the coffee table.

"Stop picking your lips, you look absurd!"

"Lucius, stop- you're scaring me!" Lucius likes to hear that he's more powerful than you are. He likes the confirmation. Does Narcissa know that? Does she know that he cut down drinking when I told him that I was worried he would become like my dad? Does she know that his greatest fear is that someday he will no longer be powerful- that the name "Malfoy" will be like the name "Snape"?

Does she know that he likes to give me hand-me-downs because I have to try them on, and then he can comment on the body by which he is so fascinated?

"Look at your little legs- my arm is as big around as your leg! My fingers fit around your thigh! Your spine looks like marbles under your skin- it's so interesting, I mean, you look like a little bean on toothpicks. It's quite ridiculous, really"

"Severus? What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just happy for you, that's all" I smile sadly at him.

"Quit fidgeting! If you fidget during the ceremony I will not be happy with you!"

"I won't! Do I have to make a toast at the reception? What if I stutter? I hate talking in front of people!" I voice my biggest fear of the night.

"Don't stutter, and don't be nervous. I helped you memorize that toast, and you know you have it written down if you forget it. But really, it reflects upon myself if you do poorly- my family knows how I took a poor little boy and created a potions prodigy, you need to do well. There are no if's" he says with a deadpan expression. My blood runs cold.

After the ceremony, I try my hardest to take a deep breath. For the whole ceremony, I focused entirely on not fidgeting and looking as pleasant as possible; however, relaxing now is not possible. I run over my short toast ten times in my head while the reception starts. Soon, it is time. Lucius looks at me, and I can feel myself shaking. Clearing my mind, I stand up. I can feel all the eyes on me, judging judging judging

"I want to first thank all of the people who made it possible for all of us to come together today for the marriage of Lucius and Narcissa, especially Mr. and Mrs. Abraxas Malfoy. I am so happy to be here to celebrate this w-wonderful day with my best friend and his w-wife," I take a deep, steadying breath and try to smile at Lucius and Narcissa before going on, "I remember the first time the three of us went to The Three Broomsticks together, and Narcissa made Lucius laugh and smile more than I had ever seen before. That was when I knew she was the one for him," _oh God I sound so mechanic it's happening it's happening_ hitching my smile back up, I take another deep breath and raise my glass, "To the happy couple, I wish you a life of joy, prosperity, and love!" sitting back down, I breathe a sigh of relief. Lucius leans over.

"You did well. I'm proud of you"

My lips twitch in a small, genuine smile.

"I tried" I whisper back as Bellatrix stands up to make her toast.

After supper, I try my hardest to socialize- Lucius wouldn't like it if he knew I was being anti-social. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I flinch perceptibly.

"I'm glad to see you're being social"

"Lucius! You scared me!" I say, turning around and giving him a small smile.

"Are you enjoying yourself? I was glad to see that you ate some of the cake" my heart skips.

"Yeah, it was good!" I try to make myself sound chipper.

"Of course it was good! I wouldn't have anything but the best for my wedding!"

"Are you excited for your honeymoon?" I ask, steering the conversation back to comfortable territory.

"Yes, I suppose so" he murmurs pensively.

"Narcissa is, too. She told me when we were baking cookies the other day. That's when she showed me her dress, too"

"Hmm, I didn't know Narcissa likes to bake"

"Who did you think made the cookies that Narcissa handed to you?"

"Oh, I didn't think much about it, to be honest, I was busy working on a plan for Him" he whispers the last few words.

"I'm scared for initiation" as soon as I say it, I wish I could take it back.

"It's alright, I was scared, too. Everybody is before it happens. You'd be crazy not to be scared- standing in the presence of such an incredibly powerful wizard!" he lowers his voice as his parents come walking up to us. I try to slip away, but Lucius holds my arm tightly behind my back, bruising me.

While watching Lucius and Narcissa dance before the end of the reception, I imagine myself in the tuxedo, and Lily in the white dress. Then I remember seeing her with Potter in Hogsmeade, and seeing the ring on her finger, and I try clear my mind. A little voice in my head says, " _If she wants to marry some blood-traitor, let her, and good riddance_ ", but the voice sounds like Lucius, not me. I try to believe that I don't still love her, that I don't still have dreams that we are best friends again, but I can't make myself believe it. I just can't.


	41. Chapter 41

I get the mark two months before my friends do. When he looks into my mind, I block him from seeing Lily's family. I don't quite know how I do it, but I know I have to protect them. I have enough practice hiding my emotions that it isn't too hard for me to do.

When it is over, Lucius carries me up to my bedroom in his manor. Narcissa cleans the blood dripping from my left arm while Lucius reads to me from his conservative newspaper, just like he did when my mum died. As I start to fall asleep, I cuddle my mum's old robe close to me. Narcissa blows out the candle on the bedside table, and Lucius takes my wand. He locks the door on his way out. It doesn't matter, anyway- it's too late for me to run away now.


	42. Chapter 42

When I wake to the sound of the door creaking open, the sheets are tangled, and my body is sore. My left forearm is coated in dried and cracked blood, and I feel very weak. When I look over, I see Lucius.

"Good, you're awake," he says as he walks over and sits down by my head and places my wand back on the bedside table, "You look awful- can you sit up? I want to get some food in you"

For once, I do not argue with him about the food. He helps me sit up, and half supports/half carries me to the dining room, where I quietly eat my plate of eggs. I even drink the milk and eat the toast. After eating, I wash my face and brush my teeth, then read in the living room with Lucius and Narcissa all afternoon. Even during lunch, I eat what they give me- a turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato, an apple, a tall glass of water, and a chocolate chip cookie. Finally in the evening, I breach the question: "So what now?"

"What do you mean, what now?" asks Lucius.

"What am I supposed to do? I haven't even had time to apply for a job yet. What am I supposed to do for money?"

"We'll have to see. I've talked to the Dark Lord about it, and it appears as though you will be extremely busy making potions for him for a while. I don't know if you'll have time for a job outside of your duties at the moment"

"But what about money? I'm of age- you're not my guardian anymore. I have nothing, besides a house in Cokeworth. What am I supposed to do for food?"

"Don't be silly, Severus. You'll continue to live here. The Dark Lord wants you close. You will use the lab downstairs to do your brewing"

"So basically," I say, suddenly angry, "I'll continue being controlled by you?"

"Don't be silly- you'll be controlled by the Dark Lord as well. Do you have some sort of problem with this arrangement?"

"Well," I say, choosing my words carefully, "I'm an adult now, so I really shouldn't have to do what you say anymore, right?"

"What a ridiculous idea, really, Severus, I don't know what's gotten into you. Just because you're marked now, you think you're in a position to just go off on your own?" he says softly, "Look at you- you say you're an adult, but I don't think you've ever even used your razor," I look down at my feet, embarrassedly, "and, forgive me, but you're still so small" my face turns red, and I feel my temper rising.

 _Keep it down, don't react. Don't get mad. Don't get mad. Don't get mad! Clear your mind, don't think about it._ I take a deep breath, then respond, "Well, I really don't think my body is any of your business" I say, face calm, just failing to look him in the eye.

"Come now, Severus. Your voice has barely deepened since I met you. You don't think I wouldn't notice something like that? I'm only trying to make your life easier," he croons, slowly circling me, like a wolf preparing to spring, "really, how would you survive on your own? So fragile, the outside world would tear you apart. You know it's better for you to stay here and give your service to the Dark Lord"

"I am not weak" I want to say it like I mean it, but I can hear the hesitation and fear in my voice, and I hate myself for it.

"Of course you're not weak," Lucius whispers, petting my head like he would a dog, "just young, broken, and confused. You need to stay here, do you remember what happens when you're left alone? How many times have you been to St. Mungo's on the brink of death? You need to be taken care of. You are so precious to the Dark Lord- to me. Nobody else on our side has the intelligence that you do. Who else is capable of making such amazing potions? Hmm?"

Suddenly, the fight goes out of me. I can't do it anymore. I never have been able to stand up to him. Everything he's saying must be true, I am just a confused, broken little boy. Lucius is the only one who has ever taken care of me.

But then again, what about Lily's parents? They didn't treat me like an abused lapdog.

But no. It's better not to think of them.

"You see?" says Lucius, guiding me to the couch and pushing me down, "You're too important to be anywhere but here. Plus, if the Order got a hold of you, well, you're so small and fragile, they would just tear you apart. You don't want that, now do you?"

"No," I whisper, staring into the fire.

"Good. Now I have work to attend to. What about you? Oh! How about you work on something new?" he exclaims, using roughly the same tone of voice as Lily's father used to use when telling Lady that he was going to take her for a walk, "I bought you some new ingredients the other day! Why don't you go take a look?"

"Okay. Thanks, Lucius" I murmur, still staring into the fire.

"It's the least I could do," he says genially, patting me on the shoulder, "now go entertain yourself. I'll see you in a few hours!" and he goes off to his study, and leaves me alone with my thoughts.

After a few minutes, Narcissa comes in quietly with her knitting.

"I don't think you're weak" she says, barely above a whisper.

"I don't know what I am anymore," I say, trying hard not to choke up, "but it's fine. I'm alright. Everything is fine"

"I understand" she says, "I'm alright as well"

When she looks me in the eyes, a deep empathy and pain passes between us, and I realize that I am not as alone as I thought.


	43. Chapter 43

Lily knew I was there. A few times I could have sworn I saw her look towards the tree I was hiding behind, then it happened.

"It can't be! You're never Tobias Snape's son?" he says.

"No, I don't know who you're talking about" I lie through clenched teeth. The image of her red hair against her white dress, her emerald eyes glistening as she kissed him, burns in my eyes. I want it to end. I want to forget.

"You look just like him… you sure you're not related?" the bartender has stopped wiping the grimy glass as he stares at me.

"What do you care? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not!" I exclaim, temper flaring up, "I just need a drink, just one" I mumble.

"You sure you're of age?" he says, looking up and down my emaciated body.

"Just give me something" I growl as I throw myself onto a barstool. It is late- not too many people are left in the bar my father so often frequented when he was still alive. I had always promised myself that I would never drink, but then I always promised myself I would never lose her, too.

Drink after drink, I lose count, my head is spinning. I rest my head in my hands, then throw back the next shot. I can't even taste them anymore, I just want to be numb- to forget.

"Severus!" I hear from a long way off, then I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. I try to turn around, but almost fall off the stool, "What the devil are you doing here?!"

"Wha? How didya find me? " I mumble, head spinning, vision unsteady.

"Come with me. NOW!"

"Don' yell at me! I'm jus' mindin' my own business, leave me 'lone!" I hear the clink of coins on the bar, then he is dragging me out of the bar. When we reach the doorstep, my stomach churns. Staggering away from him, I grab the trash can outside the bar and vomit. Coughing, I hear him curse. He grabs the back of my shirt and turns on the spot.

When we land in the living room of his manor, Lucius backhands me across the face. I stagger, and fall to the floor.

"Why did you go?!" he yells, "If you had been caught, you would have been dead! LISTEN TO ME!" he grabs hold of the front of my shirt and shakes me.

"Stop!" I sob, "I'm sorry!"

"You're so STUPID, Severus! Why are you so STUPID?!" and he hits me again, determined to make me see the error of my ways.

It is 4:00 in the morning, and Lucius rubs my back and holds my hair for me as I puke. His anger, it seems, has been replaced with worry.

"What were you thinking?" he asks, wiping the tears from my eyes, "That she would leave him for you?"

"I dunno" I slur.

"Here, wash your mouth out," Lucius says as he hands me a glass of water, "and come with me"

After rinsing out my mouth and chugging the remaining water, I stumble trying to follow Lucius. He picks me up, and quickly carries me to my bed. He sets me down on my side, and pulls the blankets up over my shivering body.

"I'm so cold…" I whisper. He sits down beside me, and smooths the hair out of my face.

"Be safer from now on, Severus. You don't want the Dark Lord to be angry with you, do you?" I do not answer. If he finds out, maybe he'll end it for me, then I won't have to cut or starve anymore. Then I can join my mother, or maybe I'll see my father again in hell. Either way, I don't want to be here anymore.

I wake with a stabbing headache. When I roll over, I see Lucius still asleep on top of the blankets. At first, I am surprised to see him, then I am touched. He must have stayed here all night, making sure that I was alright. I try to drift back off to sleep, but just can't. Carefully extricating myself from the covers, I go to the bathroom. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I take a long look at myself in the mirror. Of course Lily wouldn't have left Potter for me- I'm hideous. Childish eyes too big, lips too thin, cheeks hollow, hooked nose- just like my father, and messy hair, all in all, I don't know how anybody can stand to be around me. Taking in my appearance further, I take note of the scars on my back from my father's belt, the scars on my arms from my razor, ribs poking out, collarbone stark against white skin, and sunken stomach above the belt with so many homemade holes. Then, I see Lucius in the corner of the mirror. I look down, and turn around sheepishly.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks, softly.

"I'm hideous. I hate myself" I murmur, still looking anywhere but at him.

"Don't say such things" he says, coming closer to me and smoothing the hair out of my face.

"Look at me!" I exclaim, pushing him away and throwing my arms wide so he can fully take me in.

"I am, Severus, and do you know what I see? Strength. You have overcome so much in your life. Those scars are proof of how strong you are. I don't know many people who are brave enough to have gone through the hell that you went through"

"I look like my dad"

"Maybe in appearance, but in essence you are nothing like him," he moves closer to me again, and pulls me into a tight hug, "Now, go back to bed. You need sleep. I will stay with you if you would like. Narcissa is on vacation with her friends, so she won't mind"

"Whatever you want, Lucius. I don't care" but I do care, I really do, and when he throws the blankets back over me and lazily lies back down on top of the blankets, I smile into my pillow. At least I'm getting attention.

When I wake up next, Lucius is gone, and so is my headache. I dress quickly, and go down to the kitchen. After making and cutting up a turkey sandwich, I continue my search, sandwich in hand. After combing the entire house for Lucius, I find Dobby in the attic.

"Hey, Dobby," I say, squatting down next to him, "do you happen to know where Lucius is?"

"Dobby does not know where Master Malfoy went, Master Severus! Dobby thinks that Master Malfoy might be out on business, or picking up Mistress Malfoy?" he squeaks.

"Thanks, Dobby. Hey, you wanna share this sandwich with me? I can't eat it all," I lie. I hate seeing how poorly treated he is, "and I can give you some potion to help heal those ears, too"

"Dobby couldn't, Master Severus, but thank you!"

"No problem, Dobby. If you ever need anything, just ask. I won't tell on you" and I walk out of the attic, leaving Dobby to his cleaning. Knowing that I am making a poor choice, but not really caring, I leave my potions till tomorrow, and take a walk in the garden. I pick some pretty flowers to put on the supper table, feed my favorite peacocks, then leave a note before apparating to #12 Grimmauld Place. Maybe I can at least find Regulus so I don't have to be alone.

 _L-_

 _Bruce and Dolly are fed, I went to visit Regulus, will be back later to see you and N and work on my potions- Dobby said she would be home today._

When I knock, Kreacher lets me in, and immediately begins chatting about Regulus. He makes me soup, and keeps me company while I slowly drink it.

"Master Regulus is on a raid for the Dark Lord! Mistress Black is always so proud of Master Regulus. Kreacher wonders why Master Severus is not on the raid?" he croaks, looking at me suspiciously, all of a sudden.

"I already told you, Kreacher, I don't get to go on the raids. I have to stay behind and make potions all day, but today I just needed to take a quick break"

"Sometimes Kreacher wants to take a break, but Kreacher knows that working makes Mistress Black happy, so Kreacher never takes a break"

"Thanks, buddy. I guess that's my cue to get going, huh?" my mouth twists into a small smile at him.

"Kreacher would never say such a thing, Master Severus!" he says, acting very put out. His passive aggressive personality almost makes me laugh, but I hold it in.

"Thanks for the soup, Kreacher. See you around" I say, and apparate back to the manor. I suppose if I'm being lazy enough for a house elf to chastise me, I should get back to work.


	44. Chapter 44

August 5th, 1979

As I wait in my armchair for my newest batch of Moonseed Poison to simmer, I look again at the mark burned into my left arm. I almost can't believe it's been a little over a year since I got it. Could I have said no? Did I have a choice? But no, I want to be here. Like Lucius said, where else would I go? This is where I belong, I think… I hear footsteps in the hall, and I quickly pull my sleeve back down and grab the book I left sitting on the table beside me.

"Come in" I say at the knock on the door.

"Man, that was one crazy raid" sighs Regulus as he stumbles into my lab. I quickly stand up and pull him over to my armchair. When he is settled, I sit down on the floor.

"What was it like?" I ask.

"I don't wanna talk about it. It was just crazy" he murmurs, and I notice the blood on his hands.

"That yours?" I ask, motioning toward it.

"No" he states. I walk over to the sink and wet a rag.

As I clean off his hands, I say, "At least you get to go on raids. He never lets me do anything except stay here and make potions all day. I haven't even been able to go outside in a week! What do you have to do to get to go on the raids?"

"Well, Sev, you know you have to be able to hear really well…"

"I can hear really well!"

"Sev, don't lie to me. You're my best friend. Don't think I don't know that you can't hear out of your left ear. Don't you ever wonder why I always sit facing you or on your right?"

"It doesn't matter, I can still duel! I wanna go!"

"You're being silly, Sev! You're lucky that you get to stay here!"

"I don't care! I wanna be useful! I wanna go out and fight like you and Lucius!" I fight hard to keep my voice low. It wouldn't do for anybody else to hear this conversation.

"Sev, if you can't hear, then somebody might whisper a command, and you won't be able to pass it along. Then you'll get hurt, the rest of the company will get hurt, the raid will be messed up, and it'll be your fault. You'll be the one who gets punished, don't you understand?!" he says sharply.

"Keep your voice down, Reg! I'm just saying, all of you talk together about all the raids you've done, but I don't have anybody to talk to about anything. It feels like I'm not even part of the group anymore. All my life I've felt alone. The one time I have a chance to be part of a bigger group than a few friends in Slytherin is now, and they're all talking with each other about the raids. I feel like nobody even notices me anymore. The last time Evan said hello to me was last week at the meeting! Do you know how that makes me feel? Cooped up here in the lab with nobody to talk to?"

"I'm sorry, Sev- I didn't know you felt that way! We all thought that if we distracted you while you were making potions that you would get mad at us!"

"No! I want company! I hate being alone all the time! Even if somebody just came down here and sat with me while I worked that would make all the difference!" Regulus reaches forward and gives me a hug. For a few minutes, we sit in silence, listening to the Moonseed Poison simmer away.

"Severus?" Regulus asks.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever feel like, I don't know, like maybe you made the wrong-"

"Don't say it, Reg," I interrupt, "It's not good to talk about it. You know he finds everything out. You don't want to be in trouble. I know what you're gonna say, and trust me, you don't want to say it. It's better to keep our silence"

"I know. Sometimes I wonder, though, what it would be like if we were normal. If we didn't join"

"Yeah, I know. But it's good we did!" I say a little louder, just in case anybody is listening, "I'm so happy to be part of the Dark Lord's regime! I know that we're gonna take part in making the world a better place for wizards!" Regulus' eyes start to tear up, "Don't cry, Reg" I whisper, "Someday it will be okay. Just you wait" and I remind myself of my mother, saying the same thing to me, but it never was okay. It never got any better then, and I have a feeling that it will never get better now, either.

Regulus stays with me till I have finished the potion for the day. It needs to sit for another 24 hours, so we go upstairs to socialize with the rest of the company. They look surprised to see me, but welcome me jovially, if a little jealously. I talk mostly with my friends- I'll talk to Lucius after supper. Narcissa comes to bring us all pastries that she made while we were out. As she walks away, I whisper to her.

"You know, you can always visit me down in the lab. It gets pretty lonely down there" she smiles, and says that she definitely will.

From then on, I have lots of company. Narcissa comes down to hang out with me whenever she's not busy with Lucius. Sometimes she talks to me about how bored she is. She has nothing to do, since the house elf does the cleaning. She does the laundry, she does crafts, she bakes, she plays the piano, but somehow she still feels bored. She tells me how sometimes Lucius talks to her as if she's so silly for occupying herself the way she does. She says that he tells her all she has to do is sit here and look beautiful, but that it's sweet that she's learning how to bake and cook and do things. She says that he thinks it's sweet that she and I are friends. She tells me that she and Lucius have been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but still nothing is working. She says that he makes her feel like it must be her fault that she can't produce an heir for him. I tell her that I wish I could do something for her, but all the fertility potions I've ever read up on have really nasty side effects- some, if not made properly, can result in death. Since I've never had to make any before, I don't want to risk it. She agrees, but tells me that if this goes on much longer, she might want me to try anyway. Sometimes we don't even talk, she just sits in the armchair and knits, or crochets, or reads.

Regulus comes to visit me after every raid. He tells me about how sometimes he sees Sirius. I hold him while he cries. When he tries to talk about it, I shush him. I tell him that we don't want to get in trouble. I tell him that I can try to make him some Felix Felicis, but he tells me that if I make it for him then I'd have to make it for everybody. I tell him I could ask the Dark Lord about it, but he refuses. He says that he wouldn't take it, anyway. He says that he is dispensable. I am not. That's why the Dark Lord keeps me away from the fighting. If I died, he would have nobody to make the important potions. He says that my job is too important to waste time trying to save dispensable Death Eaters. I don't respond. I know what he says is true, and I hate myself for it.


	45. Chapter 45

Regulus disappeared two weeks ago. They all suppose that he was killed by one of the people in the Order of the Phoenix, but I think I know better. I talked to Kreacher about Regulus. I told him how sad I was that Master Regulus was gone. He told me that Master Regulus loved me like a brother. I wonder if I could have saved him. Did I shush him one too many times? What if he just needed to talk about something, but never had the chance? What if he had never joined? Would he still be alive today? It's hard not to blame myself for something that feels like my fault; but then again, everything always feels like my fault. Somebody suffers side effects from taking one of my potions when they are injured: my fault. Lucius is having a bad day: my fault. Narcissa can't get pregnant: my fault. Regulus is dead: my fault. Lily gone: my fault. Mum dead: my fault. It's all my fault, just like my father always said.

To dull the pain of his death, I try to be angry about it. I try to blame it on the Order, but I just can't. I know in my heart that he had been thinking about death for a long time. I don't know what he did, but I hope that, for once, he is peaceful. For the rest of the week, I barely sleep. All I can think about is Regulus. When I do manage to fall asleep, the dreams of him dying wake me up in a panic. I wish I could join him.

Today, Narcissa has a miscarriage. Lucius confronts me. Soft, crooning tone gone, he aggressively insists that I must make Narcissa a fertility potion. For once in my life, I am not afraid. I might not care about myself, but I won't let Narcissa be harmed. I tell him that I refuse to make her a potion that will have a profound effect on her body without her willful consent, and a legal document signed by both of them saying that I am not at fault if Narcissa experiences any of the harmful side effects that can occur when taking fertility potions. He tells me that he needs to produce an heir. When he starts trying to guilt trip me, I turn around and walk into the other room to comfort his wife.

After supper Lucius duels with me out in the garden. I can tell he wants to beat me to regain his authority after the argument we had today. He is a formidable opponent, but I have years of anger, resentment, and abuse under my belt. When we are finally finished, I offer my hand to help him get up off the ground, but he smacks it away. As he walks away, I can see how upset he is. For a moment, I feel more confident and powerful than ever, but then the feeling vanishes. He has been so good to me for so long, no matter how many times he bullies me, I just can't do it back to him.

The next day, he visits me in my lab.

"I don't know what got into me yesterday, Severus. I wasn't myself when I, well, you know…" he fumbles for words.

"Don't worry about it, Lucius" and I hug him. He hesitates for just a second, then hugs me back, "You know I'll always be here- you need me" I say, devilishly smiling up at him, expecting him to say that I need him, but instead-

"I know" he whispers, for the first time, sounding like he means it.

When we go back upstairs, everything is back to normal. Lucius sits in his armchair, and I sit in mine. At some point Narcissa comes in with her knitting. She is knitting a dark green baby jumper. Regal air back, Lucius talks to us about his business dealings. Narcissa talks about how one of her friends from school is pregnant with her third child. She says she had already started thinking about names for her baby before it happened. Lucius tells her not to think about it- it will only make her more distraught. When she starts crying, I give him a meaningful look, and he goes over to hug her. As Lucius goes back to his seat, I see that his eyes are damp as well.

After the month it takes to secretly brew Felix Felicis and Amortentia, I help their house elf make Narcissa and Lucius breakfast. When the house elf isn't looking, I slip a three drops of Felix Felicis and one drop of Amortentia into each of their drinks, then I bring their breakfast up to them to eat in bed. I lock the door behind me.

Narcissa has a hard labor. I keep a cool damp washcloth on her forehead the whole 18 hours of it. Lucius, panicked, paces around the room. When Narcissa starts screaming, Lucius finally settles down and holds her other hand. When their little baby boy is born on June 5th 1980, Narcissa holds him as though she will never let him go. Once I have brought her a tall glass of water and some pain numbing potion, Narcissa asks me to hold the screaming baby.

"His name is Draco" she says, hoarsely. From the moment the infant touches my skin, I know in my heart that I will do anything I can to protect him.

"Sweet Draco," I whisper to him, "you are so loved. Your muma loves you, your dada loves you, I love you" Narcissa and Lucius exchange glances as the baby starts to quiet down, then Lucius turns to me.

"Will you be his godfather?" he asks.

"Always" I respond.


	46. Chapter 46

After bidding Lucius and Narcissa goodnight, I go up to my room. I close and lock the door, then take off my clothes to get into the shower. When I look in the mirror, all I can see is ugly. My hair is stringy from malnutrition, my skin pale and tight over my bones. I know how unhealthy I am, but all I can see is ugly fat. I have been existing off energy potions and random meals- my head is dizzy and I feel weak, but I'm alright. I just need to be less fat, then the others will keep paying attention to me. I have been existing for the Dark Lord and Lucius for so long, I haven't even seen Evan or the others in weeks. And Regulus- no, I don't want to think about him. If I let myself think about him, then I might have to join him. I imagine cutting off the fat from my concave stomach and my twiggy arms and my wispy legs oh God I want to die. Let me die like Regulus- I want to get away from this place. Maybe if I died then Lily would pay attention to me again. She would say, "Poor Severus, I should have been there for him I shouldn't have left him alone". Surrounded by my vicious and pitious thoughts, I stand at the mirror and, with the razor that I have never had to use on my face, I cut 5 lines around the dark mark on my left arm. As the blood trickles out onto the scars of the skull and snake, I smile. I deserve this pain. I deserve to starve away into nothing. I deserve to die.

At night I dream of my father. He is chasing me. When he catches me, he beats me and tells me how terrible I am. I am stupid I am fat I am the reason I am a failure I don't deserve to have friends. When he is done, he grabs me and forces me to look in the mirror. I look just like him- hair stringy and unkempt, nose a little too large for my skinny face, eyes too big and wide-set, and lips thin. As I look, he starts to laugh.

"I'm not you!" I shout at him.

"You think you're so high and mighty, but you're the same as me!" he laughs into my face- I can smell the alcohol on his breath, and suddenly I can taste it in my mouth. I try to hit him- to punch and kick him away from me, but I feel the pain on my own body. Horrified, I turn to look in the mirror again, and I see him in my place.

I wake up screaming. Evan is mopping my forehead with a damp towel. The sheets are tangled around me. They are bloody from the cuts I have made on my arm. My shirt is soaked with sweat and my face is wet with tears.

"It was him" I tell Evan.

"I know, I sometimes have nightmares of him, too" he responds.

"No, my father! He got me and I turned into him!" I say, shakily.

"You're not your father, Sev" he says.

"Thanks, Evan"

"Do you need some bandages for those?" he asks, pointing to my arm.

"No, it's fine" I mutter.

"Can I stay with you tonight? I can't sleep. I'm worried about the raid tomorrow- I don't wanna die, Sev"

"Yeah, I'm worried about you, too. I'm always worried about all of you"

"Thanks"

We sleep facing opposite walls. When morning comes, we get up without speaking. As he leaves, I wish him good luck. He nods in thanks, then walks out the door. I go silently to my lab. I do not eat breakfast that day. For the whole rest of the week, all I drink is energy potions. I visit Draco and Narcissa everyday. The Dark Lord has me working on so many things that I do not have time to make Narcissa potions anymore. She seems to understand, though. Draco cries a lot. The only time he does not cry is when he is eating, but Narcissa has been so stressed that she is having trouble breastfeeding. Sometimes when Narcissa needs a break, I hold Draco and sing the songs my mum used to sing to me. When she needs to sleep, I take Draco down to the lab with me strapped to my back. I put a bubble-head charm over his head so that he does not breathe in any harmful fumes from the ingredients I am working with.

For the first time in two years I put a bubble-head charm on myself as well. I need to stay alive for Draco. He needs me. I refuse to be my father. When Lucius is away and Narcissa is asleep or needs a break, I do everything with Draco. He sleeps in the extra crib down in my lab when I am in there. I make a mobile for him and hang it from my ceiling so that he can watch the little owls and dragons play above him. When I am waiting for potions to simmer, I sing, talk, and read to him. Occasionally he gets read kid's books, but mostly I read to him from the potions books my mum used to read to me. It reminds me of my childhood before my father turned mean, and that makes me happy.

One day when I am out shopping for potions ingredients with Draco on my back, I see Lily shopping with Potter. She walks with her hands resting on her pregnant belly. When they see me, they try to say hello, but I walk away. I can't deal with it. I sit down on a bench and cradle Draco. People stare as they walk by, but I don't care. I think about how my life would be different if it was Lily's child I was cradling. I think about what kind of father I would be, and I think about what kind of husband I would be. Sadly, I rock Draco back and forth. I have to treat him better than I treated Lily- I already let myself lose her, I can't let myself lose Draco. I have to give him a better life than my father gave me. I won't become my father.


	47. Chapter 47

July 22nd, 1980

Today, for the first time in weeks, I have no potions to make, and no Draco to take care of. Evan is also free, so we decide to spend our day together. First, since I haven't been in my house in Spinner's End since my mum died, I bring Evan there with me. I so desperately want a friend to confide in- Evan has stayed by my side since we were both first years. When we apparate in the woods by the little river, I am shocked. The wood that was once green and luscious is now scarce and polluted. The clear river in which I used to play has old plastic all around the riverbank. I draw in a sharp breath as I look at the scene in horror. Evan looks around him in disgust.

"How did this happen?" I ask, looking at Evan, "It never used to be like this" Evan has no words.

I make him walk with me to the old mill- we have to sneak around because it is back in service. Its smokestacks are belching black soot into the air, and it hurts to breathe.

"It didn't used to be like this, Evan, I swear" I whisper.

"It's the muggles- they're the ones doing this, Sev!"

"Yeah, I guess so. I remember it being a happy place when my father still worked here- but now it's just scary!" Filled with sadness, we traipse through the now gloomy streets to get to my house. His car is still out front, as if waiting for me. Walking in the door is like stepping back in time. For a moment, I am 10 years old again, sneaking through the door in fear that my father will be here, waiting for me.

"Is this really where you grew up, Sev?" Evan says, voice full of wonder, "I've never seen anything like this, except maybe on raids"

"Yeah, this is my house. This is where my mum and I used to make potions when da- my father- was at work. This is where my father used to sit and watch television when he was drinking," I keep a running narrative going as I show my friend around my house, "This is the bathroom- gosh, I forgot it was so small!"

"Yeah, I guess living in Hogwarts and with Lucius would make you forget! This is a tiny little place, Sev!"

"I know! I almost can't believe it. Anyway," I say as we walk upstairs, "This is where we used to do the laundry. My father liked it folded in a specific way, and if it wasn't folded this way," I take off my shirt and show him how to fold it, "Then we would get in big trouble"

"Sev, your back, and your ribs-" gasps Evan, "you look like you're about to die! How did you get those scars on your back, and why are you still so skinny? I thought you started eating more in Hogwarts!"

"Well, I just, I just," I stutter, "I just don't have time to eat. I have better things to do. I'm used to being hungry, anyway"

"What do you mean, you're used to being hungry? You haven't been living here since you were 15 years old! You shouldn't still be used to being hungry! I know Lucius feeds you well, and at Hogwarts they always gave us good food!"

"I really don't wanna talk about it" I snap.

"Fine, but you better not die on me. Promise?"

"Evan, you know as well as I do that both of us could be dead by tomorrow. It's no use making that kind of promise"

"I know, but sometimes I wish…"

"Don't say it" I advise.

When we leave my house, I feel simultaneously happy and sad. I am happy because my anxiety is no longer triggered from being in that place of fear and sadness, but I am sad because I never got to say goodbye to my mum, and that is the place that she died. Evan, sensing the change in my mood, suggests that we go hang out in Diagon and Knockturn Alley. Agreeing, we set off at once.

Feeling like the first years we once were, we traipse around, looking at various magical creatures, potions ingredients, and books. Evan wants to look at broomsticks, so while he is in Quality Quidditch Supplies, I head over to the Leaky Cauldron to "eat something". Upon getting there, I sit in the corner, picking nervously at my dry, chapped lips. When I taste blood, I move on to picking the skin around my fingernails. I hear the door creak, and looking up, I see Dumbledore walk in, followed by an eccentric looking woman with large, ugly glasses. She is draped in ugly shawls and looks slightly like a bug. Still picking at my fingers nervously, I watch them walk up the stairs to the second floor after saying hello to the barman. Seized by a desire to know what Dumbledore is up to with this strange bug-lady, I wait about five minutes so that nobody gets suspicious of me getting up so quickly, then I stealthily follow them, keeping in the shadows and quietly ascending the stairs.

"Evan," I say, slightly out of breath after running from the Leaky Cauldron, "Evan, we need to leave! We have to go right now!"

"What do you mean, what happened? Are we in trouble?" he asks, worry in his eyes.

"I don't know, but I found out something important that I have to tell Him"

"Oh, okay, but can I get this ice cream first?"

"NO! We need to get out of here! The innkeeper found me eavesdropping on somebody and I don't want them to come looking for me!"

"Okay, but we have to come back here next time we're both free- I found this awesome shop in Knockturn Alley that-" Evan starts to grumble at me, but I grab his hand and apparate to the Manor. Once there, he sobers up quickly.

"Do you want me with you?" he asks.

"No, I think He'll want to be the only other person who hears it, plus, you weren't actually there. Sorry, Evan, but I think it'd be best if I'm the only one, but I appreciate your support" I respond, a little shakily. As he leaves the room, I press my mark.


	48. Epilogue

I was four years old when I first did accidental magic. We were eating supper after my dad got home from work one night- I was throwing a fit because I didn't like the food, and I made the food on my plate catch on fire. When my dad saw, he was confused and angry. That was the first night he ever hit me with his belt to, "beat the magic out of me". My mom tried to make him stop, but he hit her as well because she gave me the magic, as if it was a disease. The next day, my mum stopped letting me hang out with my muggle friends as much because, "People without the magic are scared of people like us, and they'll hurt you just like daddy did if they ever find out". She told me that if anybody asked about the bruises now blossoming on my skin, I were to tell them that I fell down the stairs, and that I am very clumsy.

When I was five years old and accidentally made my dad's bottle of beer crack in his hand, he beat me again. The next day, he got me a St. Michael pendant to, "ward off the devil inside you." At church that Sunday, I told more lies than I had ever told in my life. We started hearing whispers of the mill possibly closing. My dad started coming home later, always smelling like the beer from the bottle I cracked earlier that year.

At six, my dad was one of the first people to get laid off from the mill before it closed. That night he came home very late. He screamed at me that it was my fault while he beat me. When my mum tried to intervene, he beat her too. I grabbed my St. Michael pendant and tried to get in between them, "No! Jesus 'n' Michael say no!", but my dad tore the necklace off my neck and threw it away. I never saw my pendant again.

When I turned seven, we stopped going to church altogether. In between looking for odd jobs in a failing economy and drinking away the little money my mum was making at the restaurant in Knockturn Alley, my dad liked to watch T.V and yell at me. Occasionally, he would throw something, too. The beatings became more frequent. My mum and I learned not to stick up for each other because sticking up for each other just makes it worse. Soon, there was less food in the cupboards. We all started losing weight. I stopped growing.

My eighth birthday was spent in St. Mungo's, recovering from my first concussion, a broken arm, a cracked rib, and a fractured jaw.

"It'll get better. Someday he'll stop," promised my mum as I gagged on the concussion potion. In time, I learned to take it like my dad took shots of vodka. When I got out of the hospital, my dad took me to McDonald's to get a Happy Meal. He said he was done drinking, and that he promised that was the last time he was ever gonna hit me. That was the first time he promised he was done drinking. The second time was later that year when I went to the hospital with a broken nose, cracked collarbone, my second concussion, and a lung infection so bad I could barely breathe.

At nine, Lily was the star that shone through the darkness of my life. Finally, here was a friend with whom I could talk about my world. We would spend hours talking about what Hogwarts would be like. We played ghosts and students, and made pasta potions at her house. We pretended her pitbull, Lady, was a dementor. We would throw her tennis ball and act as though it was a patronus. When she would come running back with the ball, we would run away laughing while she chased us happily. When we went out in public together, we would say we were siblings. I was always welcome at the Evans'. Mr. Evans always helped me with my writing and math, no matter how tired he was from his teaching job. If it wasn't for him, I probably never would have learned how to read and write properly. Mrs. Evans always cooked the best food. She always made sure that I didn't eat too fast, and later on when I started using my weight as leverage to gain more attention, she always made sure I finished my food.

At 38, I am tired. I am a puppet. I am everything he ever told me I was- stupid, a failure, and the reason everything is wrong. As I stand, facing the Dark Lord, I know I am going to die, and I wish I had my pendant back.


End file.
